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“IT IS STRANGE THAT THERE SHOULD BE SO LITTLE READING IN THE WORLD,

and so much writing. People in general do not willingly read if they can have anything else to amuse them. There must be an external impulse, emulation, or vanity, or avarice. No man reads a book of science from pure inclination. The books that we do read with pleasure are light compositions, which contain a quick succession of events.” Written by Samuel Johnson in the mid 1700′s. Felt by many today.

(# 74,985)

“DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOUR OWN LIFE?”

he said in his fortified cab to the man on the bike who said back, “If it was you who was cycling, would you a) be saying that and b) be accelerating up my arse?

At which point, they smiled and went away wiser.

TOTEM PEN (# 74,986)

when
the
mind
mutes
chew
the
pole
with
which
you
write
until
you
start
to
dance

IDEA INTERNSHIPS

If you would like to be an architect in residence inside any one of the failed posts, please enter and call me when you’d like a cup of tea or the bathroom.

THE TREE HE GREW FROM GUM

He chewed gum. Always in a rabid manner in rhythm with his bike. From the age of 23, he took to burying the gum in the cracks where the lime lived. Geo-botanists said it’d never work. But with spit, sweat and hope he persevered. Within his lifetime, the British banyan was born and with it came a manufacturing boom that led to rubber, rope, paper, varnish, tent poles, toothbrushes, waterproof ink and hair lacquer.

DEAR BADGERS OF BRITAIN

My brother-in-law has a thing about you. Each night he hopes inwardly that you’ll put on a show when he staggers home from the pub. What price will you give to sing The Stone Roses to him next Christmas Day? You see, it’s his birthday.

MY FELLOW PIGEONS

Is there any chance i could join your species and toy with death the way you do. We humans call you flying rats yet you spend 9 hours a day preening. You are the underworld of waste. If you guys ran Biffa, this dirty old town would sparkle. While you’re there, some time back i hoped to tame one of you for my daughter. Now she’s older, it is I who needs to become feral. So, how about we hook up and kill a few troublesome stones with one bird? You free Sunday?

DO BIRDS GET JET-LAG?

Yes. Down my way, long haul flights disrupt the rhythm of the most fly-hard species. Last night’s dawn chorus ran from 1-4am. Don’t they know wild lettuce is a wondrous herbal sleeping pill? Eventually, they sang themselves to sleep while the rest of the neighbourhood lay awake, cursing. Bless the little bastards.

WIKIPEDIA DELETES SUBTERFUGE ARTICLE

I spy

with my little eye

something beginning with

C

C

T

V

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