THE LOSS OF HANDEDNESS (# 74,987)
As machines usurp our hands, so dexterity becomes less critical. Writing in ink is no longer the smudgefest it always was, thanks to typing, texting and voice recognition. In honour of this sad demise, I’d like to say a one-handed prayer for all the novelists who wrote the long and wrong way round.
Our lefties,
Whose art is heaven,
Southpaw be thy name.
Thy wisdom come,
Words will be done
From right as it is from left.
Give us this voice our daily read
And forgive us our orthodoxy
As we forgive those who prevail against us,
And lead us deep into disorientation,
But deliver us from ennui.
For gauche is the wisdom, the wonder and the thorny
Uneven, uneven
Amen.
WORLD’S LONGEST SINGLE SYLLABLE WORD (# 74,988)
At eleven letters, ‘Schouwinked’ is the world’s longest single syllable word. By all means Jimmy, go Wiki it. I love the recoil as you hit the ked’ at the end. Sounds like a 1950’s ski rep plying you with schnapps on a button lift. And if you want, it could be just that.
But to me, it means: ‘To be met by my wife’s good friend, Hanna Schouwink.’
LUCK CONDUCTORS
Is it paranoid me or is the world and all other species of animal kind out to get us? It seems our luck’s run out. If we don’t take drastic action, we’re doomed. How about luck conductors? They operate like lightning conductors and stop you getting struck by rotten luck. It’s simply a case of hooking up copper cables in trees with the leylines on the ground. The engineering side of this invention is best left to the wonderful Trevor Bayliss who recently inspired me to swim in a straitjacket. Between us, we’ll get there.
O!H! M!Y! G!O!D! (# 74,899)
You just met the masclamation mark.
It is to be used both sparingly and gluttonously, but never apart.
FOGIES IN SNEAKERS
Hail the running shoe you never run in because those running days are long gone. Have you noticed more and more old folk are wearing trainers, often with gabardine slacks? They look like French artisans popping out to sup coffee and discuss situationism. Old people and young people have the answers. Us in between, we’re to blame. We messed it up. I’d like to start a Mexican wave of apology.
Here goes: ‘Youth & Elders of The World, I’m sorry…’
LATE DEVELOPER SYNDROME
Teetotal all her life, she took up gin at 78 to steady her tremors. In no time she drank much. It paralysed the frown on her brow and softened the scowl that guarded her mouth. She enjoyed 750cl of Tanquerey a day for the next 30 years, until she was hit by a milk float reversing on to a pavement.
A GOOD NAME IS HARD TO FIND
Smithandmonger.com – i like this name and it doesn’t really matter what or who it belongs to, as it fits anyone who deals with jacks of all trades.
Made me think of my most loved names for people, places, moments.
No Man’s Land – a farm at Goongillings (another gem) near Falmouth.
Oak – tragic for a baby girl, epic for a baby boy
Veranda – the shape, sound and state all in tune
Our Name is Good – small company taking the piss, but admire their cheek
Poughkeepsie – no matter how many times i am taught how to say this place 3 hours north of new york, i always forget and that just adds to the poeticism.
THE GANGRENOUS UMPIRE (# 74,990)
Today I discover how Hemmingway dealt with his hunting mishaps. There is a cut on my right forefinger and an alien being has crept inside and now exerts its squatter’s rights. Every tap adds to a bruise that is starting to resemble a judge’s nose. Iodine only goes so far, Ernest. Time to pass the tournaquet and give myself out.
TEEMING
The post that defends the blog in published court and says it teems with mood, instinct, desperation, ennui, freedom, experimentation, conviction, failure, ideas, non-ideas, naivety, verve, confusion, cramp, perception, unruliness, belligerence, will, lucidity, nature, hunger, questions, light and boilerplate that guarantees this blog will affirm your life
LACKING
The post that feels the blog lacks direction, purpose, story, talent, commerciality, engagement, hope, magic, maturity, voice, characters, plot, pictures, legibility, depth, quality, value, risk, form, control, narrative, humour, dialogue, prose, rhyme, re-readability, play and something to change your life.