AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES APPROACH TO PRAYER
Awomen.
ARRANGED SINGLE SYLLABLE MARRIAGES (# 74,978)
Two short words that often appear together must now be welded into one word.
Use each word colloquially as you would with ‘inasmuch’.
asfor
tothe
upin
andso
goodfor
inat
inoff
ofa
isto
orif
asif
cando
fora
doso
inher
notso
RURALISATION (# 74,979)
Due to economic stress, Capital letters will be leaving the city with immediate effect to relocate in the country.
This change is one of ‘ruralisation’.
Initial characters and hard sounds within words drop to lower case enabling the softer parts of the word to take command, as these willing participants shall now demonstrate.
aLtERnatIVE
saINT
cITIzenS
tHInkiNg
beTweEn
dEar mAdAmE pREsIdENt
AFLOPSY (# 74,980)
Aflopsy is a relatively new medical condition that restricts a person to a vocabulary of words that can only be spoken if they are spelt alphabetically. Should two aflopsy sufferers meet, their conversation is somewhat stilted.
“Hi Bert.”
“I am not Bert, I am Abel.”
“Abort Ghost Boy!”
“Aces lost host in best bit!”
For alphabetic word donations (any size welcome) please comment or email aflopsy@thisness.co.uk
SLIPSTREAM GIRL
On buses, trains and planes, she sat by the window towards the back as this is where the slipstream sat. She swore by being last at all that she damn could. Only on her deathbed did she start something, the movement to become known as Last Vows. By 2050, long after her demise, people would marry at the end of their lives so that their procreated families could attend.
ALL ARTISTS ARE CALLED RICHARD
Serra, Long, Wentworth, Dadd, Hamilton, Prince, Deacon, Wilson, Brautigan, Diebenkorn, Demarco, Avedon, Estes, Pettibone, Patterson, Phillips…
Why so many and so few Rick’s, Dick’s & Rich’s?
SAINT GANDHI & SAINT LAURENT
In the red corner, one pair of round metal spectacles, one pair of leather sandals, a pocket watch, and a metal bowl and plate from which the Indian independence leader ate his last meal before he was assassinated in 1948.
In the blue corner, 733 lots including a 1911 Matisse painting of a pot of flowers Les Coucous, tapis bleu et rose, a dragon chair from 1917-19 by Eileen Gray and a pair of two Qing dynasty bronzes sculpted in the form of the heads of a rat and a rabbit.
Mahatma’s haul fetched $1.8m (£1.3m).
Yves haul fetched $483.8m (£348.96m).
Via a global poll, we asked people whose grandchild they’d rather be. Whose corner do you stand in?
AS A WOODLOUSE WOULD (# 74,981)
I am sat in the leather swivel chair bought with £750 inheritance from my nan Nora Brown, once a Huxley. I tip-toe the chair in constant motion in a clockwise direction through 360 degrees and wonder what the effect of movement has upon the act of writing. I stop. Reverse the direction so I am now spinning against the natural left to right law of reading. This disorientates me. Centrifugally I feel a little sick, and struggle to see the end of a thought as it falls away from me or simply winds itself back in, as a woodlouse would.
TO KILL A SHOPPING LIST (# 74,982)
- Write in ink with a fountain pen.
- Blot.
- Buy all your desired items.
- Burn list.
- Scatter ashes in canal beside trolley.
THE FORTH FACE
She never removed her make-up. Each day, for 7 years, she applied a new layer of paint. On hot days, she’d bubble. Eventually, she chose epoxy resin and lived cryogenically ever after.