NO UPTERIPTING (SIC) (# 74,967)

This innocent plea came from my 4 year old tonight, as she demanded to be heard (ie: no interrupting). Unbeknown to her, she has cooked up a word that trumps the original with its phonetic chutzpah and never-heard-beforeness. Only children can create genius.

Which brings us onto the adult world of ‘sic’. For years, it’s been the cane across our knuckles in English lessons. Yet now, in this age of digital counter-spelling, it runs rife. Lyrics, texts and speech have never been freer. People feel words first then release them any damn way they like. But it’s not all rosy. Sounds and shapes are homogenizing, characters are doubling up. Some of our 26 letters are looking at voluntary redundancy. It is to you I turn to vote out the idle and impotent to make space for new hybrid characters, half consonant, half vowell, multi-purpose literary compost. Go glug on the baby bio and see what weeds emerge from your throat.

DEAR DOUBLE DAUGHTER DADS

I knock on your door and present my second baby girl, Hedda Kirby, born on 20th May 2009 at 4 on the dot at St Thomas’s hospital where the staff are the direct descendants of angels. As the osterogen levels rise in my home, it is to you double daughter dads I turn to listen and learn. If you have sired two and only two girls, then post your wisdom here. I thank and salute you.

FATE OUT-FUNS FACT

and chance beats choice by two falls to a submission.

HOW TO PROSECUTE A TRAFFIC WARDEN

Even as pedestrians, we feel the wrath of traffic wardens. It seems they are immune to reason. In a world that comes back to either kiss you on the cheek or stab you in the back, how might they feel the consequence of their actions? Let’s book them for standing still. Yes, parking on foot – £60 fine. Comparing their daily hauls on street corners – £100 fine (reduced to £95 if they pay within ten minutes). Next time you see a warden loitering on the spot, take a photo on your mobile as evidence and send to Geoff Hoon. Should they continually offend, clamp their limbs to a parking meter. Why stop there? Let their points tot up until by law they’ll be towed away to serve 500 hrs of community service along the lines of the removal of chewing gum from pavements by teeth alone.