THE OUTTHERENET

The Internet is, at its most mature, younger than me.  It descends from a much older beast called the Outtherenet. The Outherenet spawned the universe and the rest is anything but history. Scientists at Nasa have just discovered a massive star called Gamma-Ray Burst 090423 formed shortly after the universe tipped up for day one on the job. This star has just racked up its 13 billionth birthday. Do you, like me, sense a second big bang on the horizon?

NATIONAL TAN GRID

The earth receives more solar energy in one hour than the entire planet consumes in a year.

This statistic hurts. We are as dumb as it gets. It’s down their with skin cancer, which in itself, made me wonder whether we should sacrifice a portion of our species as photo-voltaic pawns. Yes, really. Pay them to soak up the sun on one proviso: they donate the heat absorbed in their bodies to the newly formed National Tan Grid.

All those in agreement, say ‘fry’.

IT DOESN’T MIND

subject: I don’t mind

object: It doesn’t matter

sobject: It doesn’t mind

23M CHILDREN & PENSIONERS GO ON HUNGER STRIKE

In response to the postal workers walkout, with just one blog, a 12year old lad from Elgin talked the combined youth and old aged people of Britain into fasting for as long as the Royal Mail workers didn’t work. Each of the 23,000,000 participants served simultaneous notice, by first class post on Friday, stating violation of their freedom of expression under article 10 of the Human Rights Act.

And so Britain saw its last ever strike.

HUMAN HIBERNATION

Would

a) do away with the need to put the clocks back, and

b) resolve the world’s energy crisis as we’d be all running on economy 7, and

c) kill off the curd of an aging population in a peaceful and humane manner, and

d) send the recession on gardening leave, and

e) permit all evergreens to become deciduous, and

f) synchronize national childbirth so that the first 6 months of a baby’s life are spent asleep, and

g) allow winters to get as cold as they used to, therefore staving off global warming, and

h) enable traditional hibernators to live all year round to see how bloody hard it is, and

i) give footballers a mid-season break of 26 weeks, and

j) make roads 100% safe for hedgehogs, and

k) crucify Christmas.

All those in favour, curl up in a ball and head for the nearest bunker.

EDITED BY THE COMPASS (# 74,950)

Write facing north and your words will show no mercy.

Write facing east and your words will fade after a bright start.

Write facing south and your words will be of a sunny yet lazy disposition.

Write facing west and you’ll still be there well into the night.

HE WROTE A NOVEL WITH HIS BREATH (# 74,951)

It was that cold.

HOW TO LIVE FOREVER WITHOUT THE WHINE OF OASIS

Ok, we all get one shot at life. But the truth is we cut our own deck. Death isn’t pot luck. We self-determine the length of our lives, not by health issues, or fate. But by choice. By choice, I do not mean suicide, I mean the exact opposite. Life is a task like any other and it expands to fill the time available for its completion. This isn’t as logical as it sounds. In fact, when applied to life, it’s the antithesis of logic, it’s spiritual.

Run with this a little, head for a back street Parisian perfumery and squeeze it into a pipette. There you have it, an elixir to life.

WHAT IS THE 99CENTS QUESTION?

The reason I ask is, today, sadly, the $64m question got repossessed.

THE LEANING SHARD OF GRUDA

The wind is blowing its bollocks off. Right now, as we near eleven pm, it is banging on the door of a storm. Our roof knocks its knees and the rafters start to cry. Last time it blew like this, Hurricane Gordon was in town, and for no good reason I chose to build a treehouse. Today I built a tower made of logs for many a reason.

Some days, I miss the cities

Some days, I miss the city

Yes, it’s a few feet shy of The Shard. Yes, it leans like Pisa, but is yet to fall down even as the wind cranks up. And yes, it’s a nod to Simon Rodia as much as Renzo Piano. Then again, Watts Towers is probably what the Shard hopes to be when it grows up.

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