ROONEY’S INJURED ANKLE

If it belonged to a rabbit, we’d all rub it better.

If it belonged to a horse, we’d hang the shoe the right way up.

If it belonged to a frog, we’d eat him.

NOTHING NEW IS HAPPENING

If you look really closely and unmask the events in your day and the world beyond, you’ll see that life is as cyclical as the moon. We like to think of ourselves as this advanced species but we’re little more than hamsters in a goldfish bowl – see, we even try to reconfigure the familiar. The sooner we all come to terms with our limited capabilities, the sooner we’ll evolve.

EUNOIA (# 74,936)

Tonight I fell in love with a word.

It uses all the vowels.

It is beautifully spelt.

It means beautiful thinking.

Just as I was getting all doey-brained about it, my ugly mind said:

‘hey, it sure sounds like urea’.

You just can’t rely on yourself these days.

TORRES KILLS THE STOAT

I am at a conference in a poorly made YHA with Fernando Torres and a famous author who nobody recognises, including me. We walk into the gents for a pee. Torres spots a stoat in the urinal. This stoat has grand status in the dream, he/she/it is the leader of the land we are in, like King Julian the lemur in Madagascar.

Torres stamps on the stoat, killing him/her/it. He then kicks the urine sodden body down the drain and we leave the gents and walk down the stairs only for the handrail to collapse. As we re-enter the conference I am told to read several passages of unpublished words by an author and told to name that author or there will be serious consequences. Torres and the earlier author with a name I can’t recall stare at me as though I am about to detonate a bomb.

Here, the dream ended.

What I’d like to know is what were those serious consequences and did they happen to me?

YOU KNOW YOU’RE OLD WHEN

You start each sentence with:

Now I might have already told you this but…

THOUGHT FORMS (# 74,937)

I’ve been doing some measuring of things that are tricky to measure.

Thought forms.

You can’t pin a size on them or weight (although Nicholson Baker might argue the toss).

But you can pin enough on them to be able to draw them.

  1. The quality of thought determines colour
  2. The nature of thought determines form
  3. The surety of thought determines sharpness of outline

There you go.

Simple enough.

Now, if you end up drawing a luminous paisley helix with a knot in its tail, I’d take a holiday if I were you.

QUOTA OF DAILY WORDS (# 74,938)

The days he spoke to nobody were the days he wrote his socks off. In his world, there was only so much space. Writing and speaking vied to be read and heard. One would ebb as the other flowed.

This correlation only struck him when his twin sister walked into his life. She liked to talk. She’d emit a daily average of 19,000 words a day irrespective of the company she kept. If you counted the time she spoke to herself, she’d top 30,000 words on a garrulous day.

They communicated with each other by way of a time delay. She rang him. He refused to answer. She left messages. He wrote back. She read the words out loud. This delicate life cycle of speech produced a cult career as co-creators of the Mime Screenplay Renaissance.

HOW TO WIN THE ELECTION & OUR HEARTS

  1. Make a promise, just one promise, and keep it.
  2. Ignore the opposition and tell us really good story with a happy ending we didn’t smell coming.
  3. Take the long view, the one that lasts a generation, say 20 years, and make it future-proof.
  4. Wear polygraphs and operate a yellow & red card system in Parliament.
  5. Release a song

Now we are ready to vote for you, whoever you are.

THE LAST EVER LEGAL DOSE OF METHADRONE

On their first date, they shook hands on euthanasia. Sixty seven years later they put it into action. The grandchildren helped. So did the methadrone. They entered heaven on such a high, they missed the gates.

CATARRH & PHLEGM

are visually, structurally and medically onomatopoeic.

That you know.

Catarrh & Phlegm are also fine pet names for slugs.

That you didn’t know.

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