THE DEAD CAT PROPHET

He hacked away the thorns to get into the stable. Before him lay three furry animal stools, not the kind you sit on. He dispensed with them over/into the hedge. Between the straw bales he saw what he thought was underlay. Underlay with a tail. Then the stench hit him. It, whatever it was, had died months ago but still had its fur. He forked away with enough hamfistedness to give a forensics a heart attack. As it freed itself from the ivy, he guessed upon a cat. The cat was flung to the hedge where its old furry turds now lived.

The next day his neighbour fought tooth, nail and pipette to save the runt kitten of a litter of three.

The Same Ending.

FUNDAMENTAL-ISMS & -ISTS

Did you witness the 3 way debate last night? If you did and you really listened and examined them with the scrutiny Nicholas Parsons does on Just A Minute, the buzzer would have had a field day. Deviation (honk). Hesitation (honk, honk). Repetition (HOOOOONNNNKKKKKKK!). And the most repeated word of the night was not policy, or Britain, or vote, or expenses. It was fundamental. ‘Fundamental’ is the political equivalent of ‘to be honest’ and ‘know what I mean’. They use it to try and validate their flaky thoughts and empty policies. Fundamentally, they fibbed. Next time you hear one of them use the word fundamental (to; fill a gap, reveal a doubt, disown their true values, complicate a simple statement, etc) HONK.

QUAKE SPATE

Haiti, Chile, China, not to mention Japan, Indonesia, Mexico and The Soloman Islands all registering over 7 on the Richter Scale.

Earth has it in for us right now.

She’s one upset mamma.

It could be morning sickness as first reported here (THE WORLD IS HAVING A BABY – JAN 4TH 2010).

Or, it could be penance for the way we’ve treated her, a geological form of self-harm.

But I believe there is a third and more rational reason behind this sudden spate of earthquakes.

The trouble is I can’t tell you.

Or she kills me.

And I don’t fancy martyrdom quite yet.