A DOG WRITES (# 74,928)

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The text above was written by a Jack Russell in between the cleansing of her thighs, with a tongue that stank of dehydrated dog breath. Its paw typed with the skill of Shaun Wright Phillips, and at a glance, they could be twins. If you own a terrier and it is howling at the moon as you read, this may mean that the canine motto translates as ‘fox’. That, or ‘leave my fucking leg alone, idiot man’.