AMAZON 2.0 (# 74,911)

Words are losing their meaning. Or rather, places are losing their identity.

Take Amazon. To a child, Amazon is not a river or a rainforest, but a brand that doesn’t exist yet sells everything. The place is obsolete. Cue Amazon 2.0.

Let’s follow this environmental rape case a little further.

To a model, Africa 2.0 is a fashion house that openly uses slave labour to make unwearable clothes from animal skins – the rest of the beast is used in the testing of the dyes.

To a businessman, Europe 2.0 is a private plane manufacturer that retails at the same price as a 4 door saloon car.

To a parent, Asia 2.0 is the genetic modification of imperfect babies to become perfect within their first year of life.

The planet hasn’t so much sold its soul as been mugged, scalped and left to rot on the floor in its own faeces. We’re such cowardly savages.

Incidentally, if you’d like to take out a patent on any of these burgled brands, be my guest.

WHEN CLEGG TWIGS

Prediction: A year or so from now, Nick Clegg will quit politics. He is not the two-faced puppet we paint him to be, but a deeply confused man who has lost the ability to inject veracity and sincerity into his voice, and reason and empathy into his logic. This is because his mind is a seething mass of half-chewed golfballs and the toxicity of his conscience has reached fizz-point. In early 2012, the penny will drop in more ways than one. He will mend his broken promise and resign from the political arena, thus gaining cult status among the student population which in turn will lead to a career in media. His first assignment: co-present a political fashion show with Gok Wan.

THE BRAIN CANNOT FEEL PAIN

Or love.

Yet it holds the remote control for the rest of our body.

Given a choice, would you rather ache or live in accordance with the blue wire in a 3 pin plug?

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING RUGS

News just in: Aladdin fails in-flight dope test, and claims the confiscated bong is merely a lamp.

9 KILLER REASONS TO LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

  1. It knows more than any oncologist, gynaecologist or any other qualified gist.
  2. It has more inbuilt miracle cures than Pfizer.
  3. With the right attitude, it can heal others faster than they can themselves.
  4. When it is tired, it is saying it wants to nothing more to do with what you are doing.
  5. Contrary to medical opinion, most parts of it keep on growing right up until the day we die.
  6. By the time we die, we’ll be able to replace every part of our body.
  7. It knows exactly how long it takes to live a full life so it’s the only clock that counts.
  8. It can prolong your life  by reproducing more of you, although this does not necessarily mean that the more children you create, the longer you live as one of them might try to knock you off – you know how kids can be.
  9. If it’s making pungent noises, you’re in rude health.

MEDIA IS THE NEW AUSTERITY

As a direct result of Fifa’s justification to blank England because of their evil freedom-of-speech media and award the 2018 World Cup to Russia, the laws surrounding media will change at midnight on Sunday 5th December 2010.

So, it’ll be just like normal then.