EUROPE’S FLAB

Among the many wonderful things on the radio today, I heard that more than half of European adults are overweight, bordering on obese.

If like me, you’re one of the aforementioned fatties, keep on eating and eventually they’ll have to recalibrate the parameters of obesity.

Fancy a doughnut?

SUSPECT A

She, yes she, is about to be named. The cameras caught her lobbing her angst at Camilla’s aghast inside the limo with Charles who looked as distant as ever. She will be arrested tomorrow and charged with countless acts of violence, yet really she’s as harmless as the next woman, who incidentally has also been CCTV’d trying to topple a police meat wagon from the previous marches/riots.

So, where are you men?

Are the only true outspoken student voices those of girls?

Can women really start a war instead of stopping one?

Will women dethrone the Royals?

Answers on a placard please, to:

Sir Paul Stephenson, The Metropolitan Police, Scotland Yard, 8-10 Broadway, London SW1H 0BG.

MOHAMMED SMITH & JONES

If you need an alias in these troubled times to evade someone or something, there is a new name on the block that populates more of the block than any other name in Britain.

Mohammed.

More British boys answer to this name than John, or David, or Stephen, or Archie, or Oi.

Cassius would be proud.

80% VAT

There is a way round every cut they throw at us.

To match theirs and raise it, until they wilt and realise their guesses are as spurious as mine.

By April 9th, there will be a reverse form of gift aid by which we can claim back every extra dime we’re now told to pay.

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