SHORT ON SPACE (# 74,883)

They never gave him much room to write, so he chose his words with care.

There was no rush, no panic, only patience.

Wait, wait for the swell to build, and the 7 word sentence to crash in on you, the reader.

Just before you hold your breath forever


SSSTHWEET DREAMS

She dreamt with a lisp.

It began as an imperceptible whistle barely heard by a dog and ended up as a swarm of bees penned in by a bushfire.

As they fried, she cried, but never once woke.

SUPERYULE BEAR ON BIKE ON BOX

superyule bear on bike on box

WHISTLEBLOWERS FORM ORCHESTRA

Onto the plinth stepped Julian Assange, played by Gareth Malone.

He cued up his truthsayers and million by million, they told their tales to millions more.

It triggered a mass movement of grassing up, across every industry imaginable – from Patients First declaring war upon their GP’s (as of today, 30-12-11) to Adultery Amnesty, the beginning of the 3D marriage.

Never again would or could a lie be told.

Anyone found fibbing or concealing the truth would be held captive in the European equivalent of Guantanamo Bay, based on Lundy.

CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS REST IN PEACE

The Contrarian will miss you and your vision.

x

GARY WILL BE A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLER (# 74,884)

You can’t help the line of work you end up in.

But you can blame your given name.

Let’s take Gary.

There’s Lineker, Pallister, Neville, McCallister, Mabbutt, Cahill, Birtles and Speed – God Rest His Soul.

If you name your son Gary, there is a probability of 1 in 6 that he will play football for a living and a further chance of 1 in 2 that he will go on to represent his country.

Richards become artists, as Misters Dadd, Long, Prince, Hamilton, Wentworth, Serra, Phillips, Avedon, Artshwager, Wright and many others whose surname escapes me right now, can testify.

Call your daughter Margaret and she’ll do well not to become an author. Atwood, Drabble, Forster, Mitchell, Walker, Bourke-White had no choice but to write.

If, in a moment of blind or drunk hysteria, you chose the name Danni for your girl, she’s a dead cert for page 3 which will make her dad truly proud.

WHAT’S YOUR COUNTRY’S CREDIT RATING AS OF TODAY?

Today there were whispers of France and Germany losing their AAA credit rating. If they do, they’ll be downgraded to AA+ or even AA. This pattern looks like a cross between a battery buying coding system and the latest best ever GCSE results. Tunisia and Ireland with BB- must try harder. With the world’s only CC status Greece might as well turn around and give us all the finger.

When you wake up tomorrow, do your nation a favour, ignore the scaremongers and believe the world will improve. As we all know from school, the more we’re told we’re crap, the more crap we become.