2012 SPONSORS IN VOLUNTARY DOPING SCANDAL

Dow has been caught with its needle between its legs. As an Olympic sponsor, its bloodline to Bhopal was always dangling there but since Meredith Alexander stepped down the past has turned up to taunt the present like a bastard offspring at a 40th birthday. According to the online gospel, Paddy Power has installed Louise Mensch as odds on favourite to nominate herself for the post.

We sidetrack. The news is only interested in scandal. Thankfully, this can be prevented by a voluntary doping samples of all eleven London Olympic worldwide sponsors to track-test the doping laboratory for 2012. Which of the starting line-up will test positive? Stay tuned for full commentary and analysis.

ROLL-ON KY

I’ve just seen an ad on C4 for a roll-on Durex lubricant – the sexual equivalent of Castrol GTX.

How long before broadcasters look to individuals for ad revenue and mainstream TV is the shop window for lonely hearts and groins?

WIKI-STRIKE

From 5am on Wednesday 18th January 2012, Wikipedia will shut its encyclopaedic doors for a day to make a point about piracy and IP.

Everything comes from somewhere, consciously or subconsciously. We are but a few billion magpies in denial.

This post came from watching Newsnight. Does this mean Gavin Esler will be at my back door with a chainsaw within the hour?

By reading this post, you’re now an accomplice to piracy.

I have an idea.

It’s called Idiotic Property, and protects the mundane drivel that populates our sullied brains and hearts in 2012. We should all sue the shit out of each other for stealing each other’s thoughts, feelings, observations and movements. This might agitate the economy and send us back into lala land where money can pretend to be worth more than it is but we’ll all go along with it and smile.

DAVID FROST & ALAN DAVIES

Close your eyes and listen.

Only sight can tell them apart.

TERRY V SUAREZ IN ABUSE-OFF FOR CHARITY

It’s clocked up approximately twelve times the amount of coverage it had ever hoped for in its wildest nightmares. And still it remains mostly unsaid. The fear of saying the wrong thing and the threat of libel/slander that comes with it is what restricts this debate to its pedestrian pace and linear path.

Irrespective of the outcome of the Terry/Ferdinand case, the truth is it needs some absurdity thrown into the ring to free up the conservative tension.

Something as absurd as a new form of community service that does some good.

Something like this:

  1. An anything goes abuse-off in aid of charity (I’m thinking a 50:50 split between Amnesty for freedom of speech and Runnymeade Trust for racial equality)
  2. Every footballer gives a 1% donation of their week’s salary, agents give 2%, FIFA coughs up a token million as comeuppance for Sepp Blatter
  3. Sky/News International cover it and give over the broadcast rights and advertising revenue to aforesaid charities
  4. Any other substance/validity/absurdity you’d like to add yourself and pass it on

“DON’T GO THERE” SHE SAID

“I never want to speak to you again” he replied.

“Marry me” she thought but couldn’t quite find the words.

THE CLAPATHONIST

She led a frugal life, choosing to fidget rather than heat her home. Then she fell and broke her leg. Surely her habits would change and she’d be forced into heating her home, but no. Instead, she began to clap. She’d never clapped beyond 20 seconds before, so she started softly, almost in silence. Over time, the noise grew in sync with the kinetic energy. Her thermostat rose as did the room temperature, slowly, slowly. Seven months on, with hands calloused in a warm home, she stopped just shy of Spring.

2012 CANCELLED

History is about to hiccup.

Due to times being the way they are, 2012 will be cancelled in its first week of office and we shall commence 2013 on Wednesday.

We apologise unreservedly to London for the postponement of the Olympics until 2013 but at least the logo can be made to fit its new year.

We also express our deepest condolences to The Queen who had hoped to commemorate her Diamond Jubilee in early June, but it at least allows her to step aside gracefully and retire to the distant commonwealth with dignity.

We can reassure everyone who had planned year specific events that there will be a double leap day in 2013 as a catch-up weekender for all those who missed out.

This public information post was sponsored by the Dept of Optimistic Austerity Measures (DOAM)