I’m not one for plugging but when something comes along that has sex with your soul on so many levels, you just can’t say no.

Nowehereisland is a piece of art, a newly formed nation, a floating beacon of hope, a political timebomb and many other things to many other people.

Here it is on its voyage past St Michael’s Mount.

It was dreamt up by Alex Hartley and is best told by him and his army of Nowehereisland citizens.

Over to you, nowhereislanders:


The Brownlee Brothers
In leotards and in Hyde Park
The Brownlee Brothers
In the Lead and unjust Third
In the Medal-hungry Games
Was where we flayed their names
Oh, and they were Gone
Kings of Triathlon
We were so Turned On
In their Time-Warp Transition

Knight them sirs and roast them beef
They’re starving for the gravy
Leave the Yorkshires upside down
They might just slip away
To the US of A, Hey!
Don’t run away, Hey! [repeat ad inf.]


Another 15 year old swam faster than a dolphin tonight. Good on her. She may be a few years short of legal sex and driving a Cadillac, but she left our homegirl in her wake and was a pony-tail short of the world record.

We shouldn’t be asking why she won, or even how she won, but when. It’s an age thing. A fifth of 2012 competitors are under 21. Rebecca Adlington took the world by storm 4 years ago in her teens. Missy Franklin, the 17 year old wunderfish has cheered up Colorado after another high school massacre.

I know, I know, Michael Phelps sinks my theory like cast iron flippers. But all theories are there to shot down…or relocated. So let’s herd all the superstar under 18’s into a pen where they belong – a disco, in a provincial rugby club. Age-related venues would take these thunder-stealing brats and thus suppress their precocious talent enabling our home-grown geriatric twenty-somethings to win the medal they deserve.

If you are attending the Olympics and see a potential medal winning underager, please report them to the authorities in a deep voice.