He didn’t intend to solve global warming.

It came about by chance the day his dog saw that shrew. He called her but her bark just sank deeper down into the rock. He followed, burrowing his way in like a lugworm on the run. Days passed that felt like hours. His eyes adjusted to the refracted dark, cross-checking with his ears to gauge distance.

This was the unknown fault in the Earth’s crust, the one such place that let man delve closest to the core of the boiling orb. A mile from the epicenter and the dog long since lost or fried, he came upon a valve. With his zip as a wrench, he turned the screw, one hundred and eighty degrees anti-clockwise.

From that day forth, the climate calmed, the ice returned and mankind found a happy medium.


  1. We shall not listen, as we have no ears.
  2. We shall not think, as our brains are shrinking and can barely cope with all they need to do just to keep us alive.
  3. We shall not breathe, as bird flu has nested in our lungs.
  4. We shall not give, as history tells us most of the gifts we give and receive are wrong.
  5. We shall not share, as it dilutes us like a glass of squash from Lidl.
  6. We shall not grow, because we need a haircut before the week is out.


It’s always been said that Wales is the shape of a pig’s head.

So, get out your atlas, squint your eyes and tell me if I’m not hallucinating at the following silhouettes.

India = Manta ray coming up for air.

Syria = Hummingbird sucking nectar from the Kurdistan mountains.

USA = Rooster with its cockscomb in the Great Lakes, its wattle in Florida and its upturned tail in Alaska. Oh yes, and imagine it has stolen its legs from Mexico.

China = Tortoise with a Mongolian shell that shrank in the wash.

Austria = Scorpion with Hungary and Czech Republic as its claws.

Thailand = Giraffe doing a headstand.

Japan = Bat that has just flown through a combine-harvester.

Australia = Rhino with a disfigured horn praying to Mecca through its arse.

Norway = Meerkat peering into Russia for a fight.

Madagascar = Seahorse that has eaten a penguin.

Chile = Rigamortifed snake.

South Africa = Killer whale with Lesotho as its fin and Swaziland as its eye mask.

Argentina = Ballerina bear tip-toe-ing with a ghetto-blaster formerly known as Paraguay.

I could go on but I have some mountains to move so that Congo can become a camel as it’s struggling to come to terms with being the Old English Sheep Dog of Africa.