20 THINGS OVERDUE A REINVENTION

  1. Teabags
  2. Fingernails
  3. Spectacle screws
  4. Email
  5. Fame
  6. The word ‘like’
  7. Euthanasia
  8. Sat nav
  9. Chat shows
  10. The sandwich
  11. Confession
  12. Air travel
  13. Bibs
  14. British rivers
  15. Keys
  16. Stand up
  17. Interviews with footballers
  18. Ownership of anything
  19. Turmeric
  20. David Cameron’s accent

SEO-ERS OF THE WORLD, LEAVE YOUR JOBS AND DO SOMETHING MORE HUMANE INSTEAD (# 74,867)

Have we unlearnt the art of expressing ourselves as we originally intended before that moment of digital hesitation? Have we become so preoccupied with popularity and acceptance by others that we cannot fumble, mumble and stumble our way to the truth? Have we lost faith in choosing the word we really want to use in favour of the word Google (or some other omni-drone) wants us to use, so that we get seen and read by millions of their minions? Have we lost the collective desire to do something that fucks over the SEO brigade, that rewrites their code into something more human?

Yes, we have.

We are a cranky, funny, unpredictable species – everything operating systems aren’t. (Sorry Spike, I love HER but mankind will always love what we can’t have.)

We will stay one step ahead by taking 17 uneven steps to the left for no apparent reason.

We shall not be reduced to Fibonacci components.

We will revel in our inconsistencies.

And remember, we can always turn you off.

Yours super-subserviently

The User

TECHNOLOGY IS THE NEW SUGAR

Dear WHO,

Tomorrow you publish your global guide on how much sugar we are allowed in our Frosties. You claim sugar is the new ciggie. You threaten us with sugar tax. All to prevent obesity, or as the planet calls it, human swelling.

If we obey, our teeth may rot a little slower, our fat may stay away a little longer and our children may not kick off quite so often, but it’s on this final point where I contest your finger-in-the-wind wisdom.

It’s not sugar that’s turning our kids into uncontrollable freaks with tempers that make jack Nicholson in The Shining look like Neil out of the Young Ones.

It’s technology.

The longer a child spends ‘playing’ on a phone, a tablet, a DS, an X-box, a leap-pad, a Wii, the more cranky they become, the more detached they are from their natural innocent self.

This is where we need the tax – in the guts of technology.

Now I’m not advocating we revert to the good old Luddite days, but in the long run personality disorders cause more harm to society than bloated waistlines.

If you must meddle with food, meddle with hunger. Poverty is a tougher nut to crack, yet one that needs some love shed upon it.

Thanks for reading,

The Sweet Teeth of Mankind

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