YOUR APPLES OR YOUR LIFE

Dear Tyrrells ®

Your Apple Crisps are ‘delicately cooked’ – no disputing that.

They’re ‘smashingly cinnamony’. Yep. They are.

Can’t say if they’re ‘an enormous hit with the smart set’ as I’m a scruffy bastard.

I can just about stomach every overwritten word on the packet. Just about.

No, the only bona fide moan I’ve got is your portion control. It’s gone OCD. I had 12 crisps in my packet (£1.60 on a First Great Western train). Each crisp was the size of a £2 coin and the weight of 3 Pringles (sorry to slur your good name alongside potato bile). So, ask yourselves this: is 13p a crisp fair? Apples, unlike potatoes, do grow on trees, but at 13p a slice? C’mon, either talk to the train folk to ease up on the mark up, or just pop a few more in the packet.

Yours disappointedly

A train traveller

MINIFESTO

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SMALL

THE INVISIBLE MOMENTS OF BRILLIANCE

LOST IN A WORLD SODDEN WITH SUPERLATIVES

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SMALL

ON A DAY LIKE TODAY

WHERE THE SUN GETS ALL THE PLAUDITS

WHILE THE SHADE CONDUCTS ITS OWN MICRO-CIRCUS

TAMING UV RAYS INTO SUBMISSION

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SMALL

THE HINGES OF DOORS

THE PAUSES IN BETWEEN THE WORDS

AND THOSE WHO KEEP THEIR MAGNIFICENCE PRIVATE

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SMALL

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE IN PADDED GLOVES

GONE BEFORE YOU NOTICED

JUST THE WAY WE LIKE IT

IN THE UNSUNG, SILENT REALM

Written in one minute – 9:51-9-52 July 25th 2014

VALSE – A NAUTICAL BALLET


For 12 boats


When you do dance, I wish you

A wave o’ the sea, that you might ever do

Nothing but that


Shakespeare, The Winter’s Tale, Act IV, 1.140


Boats are numbered 1-12


Boats line up in couples facing counter-clockwise


All boats circle twice

All ease round until couples face centre in single circle

All sail to centre then sail back to edge


Boats split into 2 circles, odd numbers form outer circle, even numbers form inner circle

1, 4, 5, 8, 9 + 12 are standing

2, 3, 6, 7, 10, are kneeling


Standing sail in front of the kneelers

All turn starboard

All sail in small circles – 2 follows 1, 3 follows 4, etc

All sail to centre


All sail in small circles of three – 2 + 3 follow 1, 5 + 6 follow 4, etc

All turn port

Repeat sailing in circles

Turn on stern resolving into 2 straight lines – 12 aligns with 1, 11 with 2, etc


All sailors bow, all sails curtsey

Bouquets fill the ocean


End