HOW TO CATCH A MOTH

  1. Spy moth in dark. Tip: stand near a light.
  2. As moth circles the light, do not chase its crazy unpredictable arcs. Electrocution isn’t pleasant, whereas may moths eat coats, but never humans.
  3. Stand in one spot and clap steadily, every half second or so. Clapping too fast can attract wolves. Wolves eat people, often in fairy tales, not so often in real life.
  4. Do not lunge if the moth swoops by.
  5. Hold your nerve, and just clap. After 6 or 7 circles, you’ll be wiping moth guts from your palms.
  6. Feed moth entrails to cat.

LIFE ISN’T SHORT

I sit here paralysed by my sleeping daughter. She lies on my lap, our smells intertwined by puke. It’s in these rare moments of stillness that we realise the script of achievement and doing-ness is overrated. It was sold to us, in a rush, as a rush, with a slogan of LIFE IS SHORT.

We swallowed it whole. That gaffer hook is still jammed in our jaw, promising self-esteem by the skipload. But it turns out our self-esteem was already hefty and the false sugary high we sought was little more than bragging rights for parents. What gullible twats we’ve all been. Worse part is it took a child to point it out. No adult can feel the real truth. Once we pass the age of 6, we layer up so many conceits and denials, we can’t tell what is good for us and what’s not.

So, if there’s one good thing to take out of this, it’s to take the pressure off yourself. To stop chasing what you haven’t got, and start feel lucky as fuck about what you have got.

Got that?

MATCHING MUGS – DANGER OF DEATH

Beware the matching mug set.

You’re in the presence of a potential serial killer.

How do you know?

Well, no two cups of tea are the same, as hard as we damn well try to exact the 6 dunks and a squeeze with a quarter second of milk poured in while stirring anti-clockwise.

Therefore (and stick with me on this one) it’s an insult to tea to try and homogenise it (as one may with milk) in matching mugs.

He who does will kill to do so.

Weighing all this up, the wise among us will check the kitchen cupboard of the next place you rock up in for a cuppa for the first time.

Spot a pattern in the ceramic and the pathological homicidal maniac is but a sugar lump away.

Make your excuses and leave.

Whistling.