ZAQIK JOX #74,857

Zaqik Jox was born lucky.

His mother knew the moment he came into the world.

He wasn’t meant to live but did.

The surgeons had written him off days before, but Mrs Jox insisted.

She knew as only a mother does. She refused to concede to no heartbeat.

She felt a different sign of life within.

Not a thump but a purr.

Her inner voice told her to ignore their scans and so called expertise.

At 23:20 on Wedsnesday 16th December 2015, she gave birth to a screaming child that had been pronounced dead up until that moment.

And so began the Pre-Euthenasia Act, or the right of PEA as it became known.

The boy was given the name Zaqik Jox, after his improbable first few seconds of life.

A name of just 8 letters that would win him the world Scrabble title by the age of 15 and a special reality guest star role in the live action Dr Seuss biopic.

I NAME THIS BABY “………” #74,858

It’s a privilege and a curse. To name something you love might seem a cinch until you get down to it and commit. Yes, a thousand names might sail through your head/heart/other organ in a matter of seconds but which one will stick?

It depends on what needs a name. Is it a baby or a boat or a bird or a band? Surely you can’t give the same name to a dog as you can to a child, or vice verse. ‘Down Christopher, pawww!”

I once knew a cat called Michael and a boy called Skippy. See, some people don’t care.

Naming a band brings untold pressure to be cool. A million journos have told this tale but here’s the best:

Last week, I saw a band with no name. They’re a bunch of 12yr olds just starting out and still thinking about it, so they said. A year old and none the wiser are their predecessors who go by the name of 6-0. Yes, named after the day Chelsea won 6-0 (so last season).

For what it’s worth (and a name can be worth as much as a million bucks if you’ve got the domain) I’ve written a few steers to help you christen the living or inanimate thing you love.


  1. READ IT, WRITE IT, SAY IT, HEAR IT – Get used to all the different modes of how you, your friends, your kin, your neighbours, your foes and your fans will come across the name. Live the name you intend to raise.
  2. FREEDOM TO GROW – Naming a child ‘Flopsy’ might not be the best idea. Names give off signals and attract stigmatism. Good names need to adapt to new trends, words, superstars, etc. Stay one step ahead. Or step sideways.
  3. POINT OF TRUTH – If there is a story behind the name, it creates meaning that gets better with age, as he or she grows into that persona and adds to the tale with every telling.
  4. VOICE – A loud name can be softened with a light voice. Or a gentle name can be hardened with a weighty voice. Sound really matters. From the first word they’ll say and learn to write, to the way you embroider their first school cardy, it’s all voice.
  5. ORIGINALITY – Rarity is priceless. Take a risk. Better to be too bold than too timid. You can always lean on a sensible middle name or suffix that aligns you to, or distances you from, the family.
  6. SIMPLICITY – A good name knows which way up it is. It can’t be mispronounced or misspelt, yet can adapt to any room in life it has to appear in. Just make sure it ain’t your own.
  7. NAMES HAVE THEIR OWN RULES – Mates may nickname you. Enemies may graffiti you. A lover may even tattoo you into their ankle. Remember, society can call you what it wants.