The following text was originally published by the Nolan Committee under John Major in October 1994. Yes, really. If Lord Nolan was alive today, he may like to see the recent amendments (in brackets) added pathologically by Theresa May just before she went to bed last night after doing the deal with the DUP.

  1. SELFLESSNESS – Holders of public office should act solely in terms of the public interest (note: public means private & we means me). They should not do so in order to gain financial or other material benefits for themselves, their family, or their friends (unless their job is at risk).
  2. INTEGRITY – Holders of public office should not place themselves under any financial or other obligation (over £1,500,000,000) to outside individuals or organisations that might seek to influence them in the performance of their officials duties.
  3. OBJECTIVITY – In carrying out public business, including making public appointments, awarding contracts, or recommending individuals for rewards and benefits (except power to govern) as holders of public should makes choices on merit (or convenience).
  4. ACCOUNTABILITY – Holders of public office are accountable for their decisions and actions to the public and must submit themselves to whatever scrutiny is appropriate to their office (by their recently bought out fellow conspirators).
  5. OPENNESS – Holders of public office should be as open as possible (in private) about all the decisions and actions they take. They should give reasons for their decisions (if hey can be arsed) and restrict information only when the wider public interest clearly demands (ie: never).
  6. HONESTY – Holders of public office have a duty to declare any private interests (bar personal off shore accounts in tax havens) relating to their public duties and to take steps to resolve (with bribes) any conflicts arising in a way that protects the public interest.
  7. LEADERSHIP – Holders of public office should promote and support these principles by (strong and stable) leadership and (conflicting) example.




Her life was a movie, made up of all movies, every genre one can live and this is how she lived it.

Born on a bed of nails, the daughter of a monk and a pimp. Two fathers, no mothers, yet from day one the girl more than made up for the lack of oestrogen in the home. You see, she was blessed with a Nasonov’s gland, the first human to be so. Her pheromonic radius cast a net of many miles into which men fell, unable to walk where their legs intended. Instead, they back-pedalled into her vicinity, where their gender would sway.

You could say things progressed at pace. Go on, say it. Things progressed at a pace. There, now you’re telling the story.

Within a month, world peace was upon us as 93% of mankind became womankind. Those who resisted, resisted with all they had left – their stone age genes. These last few million men ate rocks, but despite a brief spike in palm hair, they too conceded their sex.

Animals followed, as they do, creating several super-species of she-creature en route. Mother Earth sat back on her axis, took up pilates and deep stratospheric respiration. In doing so she lucked out and met another planet that just happened to be hurtling by. And so begins the little bang theory (all lower case please ed) that led to the litter of planets that shall sustain all living things unto the infinite day (and beyond).

The end (aka, the beginning).