Sue Dimbleby: “This week’s ‘A Question Time Of Sport’ comes from Liverpool.”

Intro music 7 seconds.

“And with me on the panel this week…Matt Hancock-Dawson, retired scrum-half for West Suffolk….Phil Hammond-Tuffnel, off-spinner & pundit for Runnymeade & Weybridge…Jess Ennis-Phillips, representing 7 Birmingham constinuencies…Sir Alex Salmond-Ferguson, former Manager of Banff and Martin Buchan…and Joey ‘Joseph’ Barton.”

Sue Dim: “Our first question comes from Mr Simon Rattle-Cowell”

Rattle-Cowell: “Why does the intro music start as though it’s just about to end? And it’s only 7 seconds? And there are no vocals?”

Sue Dim: “That’s 3 questions. Can someone eject this man please?”

Sue Dim: “We have a question from Frankie Field-Dettori…”

Field-Dettori: “Who’s gonna win the 3:40 at Ayr?”

Barton: “Ask him, he owns half the runners and riders.”

Salmond Ferguson: “Joseph, don’t be bitter just because you left Man City before they won the Saudi pools.”

Barton climbs across Sue Dim and swings a wild one at Salmond-Ferguson.

Hancock-Dawson gives Barton a hand-off and calm is restored.

Sue Dim:  “Our next question is from Nigel Benn-Farage. Mr Benn-Farage.”

Benn-Farage: “I should be up there. Every week. Defending our country. From people like me.”

Benn-Farage punches himself in the face, blood hits camera.

Sue Dim: “I’d like to hear a question from Jack Monroe-Wilshire.”

We see Monroe-Wilshire smoking a courgette: “Why can’t premiership footballers use food banks?”

Sue Dim: “Jess Ennis-Phillips first, then Phil Hammond-Tuffnel.”

Ennis-Phillips: “Because they can’t cook?”

Audience sniggers as Hammond-Tuffnel interrupts: “We’re working on that. It’s part of article 57 varieties. It’s in our menufesto.”

Ennis-Phillips: “Bollocks. That’s what you need, bollocks. Just like our next PM, Mr Amir Sadiq Khan.”

Sue Dim: “Our final question of the evening please from Miss Tracey Emin-Crouch, no relation to Peter.”

Sue laughs at her own joke. Not one person joins her.

Emin-Crouch: “Should England boycott Russia 2018 to show Trump how much we think he’s a tosser.”

Sue Dim: “Very quick, one word each please, we’re nearly out of time.”

Salmond-Ferguson smirking: “Oh aye.”

Hammond-Tuffnel: “Full Tosser.”

Hancock-Dawson: “Like you.”

Barton: “Like him!”

Barton, frothing at the mouth like a rabid Staffie, snarls and tries to bite Salmond-Ferguson, but his tie is caught around the mic and acts as a choke lead.

Ennis-Phillips: “Steady on Suarez.”

Sue Dim: “Was Sid James in that one?”

Music fades up as credits roll.