MOTHERING FRIDAY – 2011 ONWARDS
Sunday is a bum day for mothers across the world to be applauded and lauded. Monday morning is hell getting kids to school, notorious as a duff day in the workplace and a triple whammy of woe if you happen to be a guilt-ridden catholic. It smacks of a patriarchal society when we give women the one day off that most people take off.
So, I motion Friday.
Let’s grant them a day off worth having and roll it into a mothering 72 hour weekend, not just a day. And it could happen twice a year around the clocks going forward and back as if to acknowledge the unseen crap they have to deal with every minute of every relentless day. As a double daughter dad, I may be biased or simply OD’d on oestrogen in a busy home. Either way, I’m grateful.
There will always be those out there wanting a ‘MOTHERFUCKERING SUNDAY’ and yes, you’re welcome to your contrarian view but let’s face it, it’s a feeble psedo-schock one-liner without the blood in its heart to revive a baby on a life support machine.
You can back or block this motion. No human has ever been born into this world without a mother, so we all have one to be thankful for, be she alive or dead. They may embarrass you to the bare bone or harass you for your wasted life. They may flirt with your friends or feed you food that makes you wretch. They may remarry a twat or squander every cent you give them. But one way or the other, they do make the world a better place.
One day in this lifetime, we’ll all twig and say, ’Thank Mum it’s Friday.’
OLDER, FATTER, POORER, DUMBER
The future looks long, slow and sweaty in more ways than one. If you happen to find your latter days in West Somerset, you can expect to hang in until the age of 104.
One hundred and fucking four you say.
Yes. The medium age in this county of centurions is 52. So, rolling with this, we might as well work until we’re 80+. During these years we will amass body mass and pile on the cholesterol to keep us warm in winter as the heating bills will be unpayable. Throw in the declining IQ and we might well be writing the manifesto for Euthanasists the world over.
Pass me the toaster, I’m just about to have a bath.
WWW.BLACKOUT.ORB
As Japan steels itself for 3hr daily power cuts to cope with the tsunami, I propose it as an initiative to stem the avalanche of online garbage.
Think of it as a vow of silence on twitter, a short term vasectomy on facebook, a self-imposed fatwa on blogs, a black out on content creation to allow quality and thought to catch up and slap some sense into quantity.
www.blackout.orb is a new counter-content real life activity that simply edits what the world needs. It lets the planet breathe by siphoning off the dross before it has a chance to air or happen, thus leaving only the most insightful comment and thinking to further the human race. Whether he meant it or not, this is the Dalai Lama’s parting gift to us all.
If you’d like to join www.blackout.orb do absolutely nothing for as long as you possibly can and rest easy that you’ve done more to save this planet from fatal self-harm than any action ever will.
SUB-PRIME MINISTER
Oh David.
You try so hard to make a politically incorrect point on the topic of multiculturism by stating white people cannot make certain comments and express their views without being labelled racist.
And you quantify this with a link to terrorism.
It seems to me it’s the latest in your spate of verbal blurs. You hope we don’t notice, that we don’t join up the dots, that we’ll just nod and say yeah, he’s right, he’s got a point.
But we are listening Mr Cameron. We are listening assiduously.
We’d love to applaud your ideas and observations if they had substance.
If.
You confuse faith with race. An internal belief, however extreme, cannot be seen. It can only be felt, and if this feeling is acute enough, it will be acted upon to varying degrees of evidence, culminating one imagines, in becoming a suicide bomber.
If this is your point Mr Prime Minister, say it. Don’t pretend to be brave. Either think it through and tell the absolute truth with the full ramifications or shut up and channel your energies into genuine policy-making history like your colleague IDS.
Any more of these Ratner-esque gaffs and your views won’t be worth the breath they float out on. Please stop devaluing your status to that of a speaker’s corner and show us you are capable of the job.
AUSTERITY, WHAT AUSTERITY?
BREAKING NEWS: The transfer window in football’s Premier League has fallen out of its frame due a lack of cognitive putty. Chairmen of clubs are continuing to conduct business with slashed wrists. St John’s Ambulance are present at every ground but chose to turn their attention, somewhat appropriately, to Silent Witness on BBC1.
JON SNOW & JULIAN ASSANGE
Same mum?
SUSPECT A
She, yes she, is about to be named. The cameras caught her lobbing her angst at Camilla’s aghast inside the limo with Charles who looked as distant as ever. She will be arrested tomorrow and charged with countless acts of violence, yet really she’s as harmless as the next woman, who incidentally has also been CCTV’d trying to topple a police meat wagon from the previous marches/riots.
So, where are you men?
Are the only true outspoken student voices those of girls?
Can women really start a war instead of stopping one?
Will women dethrone the Royals?
Answers on a placard please, to:
Sir Paul Stephenson, The Metropolitan Police, Scotland Yard, 8-10 Broadway, London SW1H 0BG.
80% VAT
There is a way round every cut they throw at us.
To match theirs and raise it, until they wilt and realise their guesses are as spurious as mine.
By April 9th, there will be a reverse form of gift aid by which we can claim back every extra dime we’re now told to pay.
WHEN CLEGG TWIGS
Prediction: A year or so from now, Nick Clegg will quit politics. He is not the two-faced puppet we paint him to be, but a deeply confused man who has lost the ability to inject veracity and sincerity into his voice, and reason and empathy into his logic. This is because his mind is a seething mass of half-chewed golfballs and the toxicity of his conscience has reached fizz-point. In early 2012, the penny will drop in more ways than one. He will mend his broken promise and resign from the political arena, thus gaining cult status among the student population which in turn will lead to a career in media. His first assignment: co-present a political fashion show with Gok Wan.
MEDIA IS THE NEW AUSTERITY
As a direct result of Fifa’s justification to blank England because of their evil freedom-of-speech media and award the 2018 World Cup to Russia, the laws surrounding media will change at midnight on Sunday 5th December 2010.
- No story will be created even if it comes from a source of truth. It must merely be reported.
- Newsreaders must read out the news wired up to polygraphs so that no intonation can be misheard.
- Documentary makers must make films about positive stories and avoid any suggestion of slander, or else they will go to bed without their milk.
- Headline writers should write in the presence of lawyers and lawyers should witness in the presence of schoolteachers and schoolteachers should have their attire checked by Ofsted before any words are printed.
- Any TV advertisements must be filmed in Russia or Qatar and feature overweight men-in-beige dining on 17 course lunches.
- Anyone using Twitter, Facebook and other social media must also wear beige or face up to 17 years in a Swiss penitentiary.
- Anyone who reads, listens or watches any media of any kind at any time in any part of the world will be cross examined by a 4th official using goal-line technology.
So, it’ll be just like normal then.