JON SNOW & JULIAN ASSANGE
Same mum?
SUSPECT A
She, yes she, is about to be named. The cameras caught her lobbing her angst at Camilla’s aghast inside the limo with Charles who looked as distant as ever. She will be arrested tomorrow and charged with countless acts of violence, yet really she’s as harmless as the next woman, who incidentally has also been CCTV’d trying to topple a police meat wagon from the previous marches/riots.
So, where are you men?
Are the only true outspoken student voices those of girls?
Can women really start a war instead of stopping one?
Will women dethrone the Royals?
Answers on a placard please, to:
Sir Paul Stephenson, The Metropolitan Police, Scotland Yard, 8-10 Broadway, London SW1H 0BG.
80% VAT
There is a way round every cut they throw at us.
To match theirs and raise it, until they wilt and realise their guesses are as spurious as mine.
By April 9th, there will be a reverse form of gift aid by which we can claim back every extra dime we’re now told to pay.
WHEN CLEGG TWIGS
Prediction: A year or so from now, Nick Clegg will quit politics. He is not the two-faced puppet we paint him to be, but a deeply confused man who has lost the ability to inject veracity and sincerity into his voice, and reason and empathy into his logic. This is because his mind is a seething mass of half-chewed golfballs and the toxicity of his conscience has reached fizz-point. In early 2012, the penny will drop in more ways than one. He will mend his broken promise and resign from the political arena, thus gaining cult status among the student population which in turn will lead to a career in media. His first assignment: co-present a political fashion show with Gok Wan.
MEDIA IS THE NEW AUSTERITY
As a direct result of Fifa’s justification to blank England because of their evil freedom-of-speech media and award the 2018 World Cup to Russia, the laws surrounding media will change at midnight on Sunday 5th December 2010.
- No story will be created even if it comes from a source of truth. It must merely be reported.
- Newsreaders must read out the news wired up to polygraphs so that no intonation can be misheard.
- Documentary makers must make films about positive stories and avoid any suggestion of slander, or else they will go to bed without their milk.
- Headline writers should write in the presence of lawyers and lawyers should witness in the presence of schoolteachers and schoolteachers should have their attire checked by Ofsted before any words are printed.
- Any TV advertisements must be filmed in Russia or Qatar and feature overweight men-in-beige dining on 17 course lunches.
- Anyone using Twitter, Facebook and other social media must also wear beige or face up to 17 years in a Swiss penitentiary.
- Anyone who reads, listens or watches any media of any kind at any time in any part of the world will be cross examined by a 4th official using goal-line technology.
So, it’ll be just like normal then.
THE TRUTH/LIES RATIO OF ONLINE PUBLISHING
This afternoon I frisked every piece of online content to ascertain its veracity.
Hereby I publish the results:
For every piece of truth, there exists 17* lies.
* I lied. It’s only 16.
FLOODS = DROUGHTS
What is it with us humans?
Why can’t we catch water properly? It falls from the sky and we spill it. We spill it so severely that we pretty much drown ourselves. The trouble is we don’t drown, we flood. We specialise in flooding. We’re very good at it despite our attempt to give it up. We build barriers, soakaways, drains and pumps, but it’s as superficial as eating a polo mint after a cigarette.
6 months from now, we’ll bemoan a lack of water. It won’t be over-hot. We will just stand and stare at our extravagance and idiocy with the world’s most precious commodity. We do droughts astonishingly well considering our coordinates. We’ve developed a temperate climate with bipolar syndrome.
It’s time to dig a National Well. And stick a lid on it when the sun shines.
Childishness will get us everywhere.
NICER NAMES FOR DANNY ALEXANDER
- The Rusty Rat
- The Titian Vole
- The Scarlet Hamster
- The Ruby Gerbil
- The Auburn Mouse
- The Carroty Capybara
- The Claret Viscaha
- The Cherry Chinchilla
- The Burgundy Beaver
ROONEY MOVES TO ANFIELD IN JANUARY WINDOW
Anyone fancy a tenner with Betfair?
9 REASONS WHY SAN JOSE MINE IS EVERYTHING BIG BROTHER WANTED TO BE BUT WASN’T
- Incarnation over time.
- Comradeship.
- Family love.
- The support of the world.
- Psychological trauma.
- Media obsession over undeniable good news.
- Humanitarianism without a single death.
- Spontaneity.
- One by one evacuation strategy.