CAMERON JNR
Sam: I’m not really pregnant y’know.
Miriam: You are y’know.
Sam: No, really I’m not. I faked it for the election and now we’re in number 10, I can take the cushion out.
Miriam: Sammy, it’s not a cushion. It’s Nick’s.
Sam: You’re kidding, it can’t be. What would David say?
Miriam: He’s in on it. It’s a coalition baby.
Sam: Ohh, that’s so romantic. I’m going to call it Mizzy, after you.
Miriam: Why not Dizzy, after Dave…and me?
Sam: And Mr Rascal.
CHEAP + FAST + GOOD
Cheap: I’m up for it.
Fast: Me too.
Good: And me.
Fast: Too late, at best, only two of us can be in the room together.
Good: Well, leave then.
Cheap: Maybe I should go, I’m the most dispensible.
Fast: No, you stay, I’ll leave. People should be patient, not rich.
Good: No no, I’ll go. Last in, first out.
In walks compromise and conducts a menage a trois.
They sire triplets.
They all lived a priceless, endless and peerless life.
PLASTIC SURGERY ON WORDS (# 74,940)
This morning a 5 year old said to me: ‘Dad, eat quick-er-est-ily’. I loved the way she slowed the word up by making it longer. Inspired by her, I opened a plastic surgery clinic for words that are unhappy with their appearance. None came forward. This could have been due to their lack of hearing or my lack of advertising. I was about to abort the whole exercise when there was a sudden knock at the door.
‘Come in’, I said.
‘Hi’, Hi said.
‘Hello Hi, so…you feel a little abrupt, yeah?’ I said.
‘I do’, Hi said.
‘People think you’re shallow, yeah?’ I said.
‘They do’ Hi said.
‘You’d like a extra syllable and you’d like me to make you do what you don’t want to do, yeah?’ I said.
‘Badbye’ Hi said, and left with the face of a serial killer.
SAVE THE RUDOLF
She drew a reindeer, then rubbed it out.
‘Why’, he asked.
She looked up and cried.
‘But it was great’, he added.
She dried her eyes then said, ‘Reindeers don’t exist’.
IT DOESN’T MIND
subject: I don’t mind
object: It doesn’t matter
sobject: It doesn’t mind
SALT & OILS
Sea: “Yes?”
Artist: “Sit still. This is a portrait!”
Sea: “It’s not me jigging, it’s the moon.”
Artist: “The moon’s in bed.”
Sea: “Well, wait till he gets up.”
Artist: “I can’t paint you in the dark”
Sea: “You can’t paint.”
GUEST & HOST
Flea: What you drinking?
Bat: The usual, O positive. You?
Flea: Nice viscosity, claggy on the tooth, wanna sip?
Bat: Mm-mmm, B rhesus negative, the best.
Flea: Hey, lay off, that’s my vein!
Bat: Aw, go suck yourself.
EVE & EVE
Eve 1: You’re gorgeous.
Eve 2: You too!
Eve 1: Shall we start a family?
Eve 2: Love to!
Eve 1: God does IVF now, doesn’t she?