A QUESTION TIME OF SPORT

Sue Dimbleby: “This week’s ‘A Question Time Of Sport’ comes from Liverpool.”

Intro music 7 seconds.

“And with me on the panel this week…Matt Hancock-Dawson, retired scrum-half for West Suffolk….Phil Hammond-Tuffnel, off-spinner & pundit for Runnymeade & Weybridge…Jess Ennis-Phillips, representing 7 Birmingham constinuencies…Sir Alex Salmond-Ferguson, former Manager of Banff and Martin Buchan…and Joey ‘Joseph’ Barton.”

Sue Dim: “Our first question comes from Mr Simon Rattle-Cowell”

Rattle-Cowell: “Why does the intro music start as though it’s just about to end? And it’s only 7 seconds? And there are no vocals?”

Sue Dim: “That’s 3 questions. Can someone eject this man please?”

Sue Dim: “We have a question from Frankie Field-Dettori…”

Field-Dettori: “Who’s gonna win the 3:40 at Ayr?”

Barton: “Ask him, he owns half the runners and riders.”

Salmond Ferguson: “Joseph, don’t be bitter just because you left Man City before they won the Saudi pools.”

Barton climbs across Sue Dim and swings a wild one at Salmond-Ferguson.

Hancock-Dawson gives Barton a hand-off and calm is restored.

Sue Dim:  “Our next question is from Nigel Benn-Farage. Mr Benn-Farage.”

Benn-Farage: “I should be up there. Every week. Defending our country. From people like me.”

Benn-Farage punches himself in the face, blood hits camera.

Sue Dim: “I’d like to hear a question from Jack Monroe-Wilshire.”

We see Monroe-Wilshire smoking a courgette: “Why can’t premiership footballers use food banks?”

Sue Dim: “Jess Ennis-Phillips first, then Phil Hammond-Tuffnel.”

Ennis-Phillips: “Because they can’t cook?”

Audience sniggers as Hammond-Tuffnel interrupts: “We’re working on that. It’s part of article 57 varieties. It’s in our menufesto.”

Ennis-Phillips: “Bollocks. That’s what you need, bollocks. Just like our next PM, Mr Amir Sadiq Khan.”

Sue Dim: “Our final question of the evening please from Miss Tracey Emin-Crouch, no relation to Peter.”

Sue laughs at her own joke. Not one person joins her.

Emin-Crouch: “Should England boycott Russia 2018 to show Trump how much we think he’s a tosser.”

Sue Dim: “Very quick, one word each please, we’re nearly out of time.”

Salmond-Ferguson smirking: “Oh aye.”

Hammond-Tuffnel: “Full Tosser.”

Hancock-Dawson: “Like you.”

Barton: “Like him!”

Barton, frothing at the mouth like a rabid Staffie, snarls and tries to bite Salmond-Ferguson, but his tie is caught around the mic and acts as a choke lead.

Ennis-Phillips: “Steady on Suarez.”

Sue Dim: “Was Sid James in that one?”

Music fades up as credits roll.

DEAR ELECTORATE

“So, nobody won.’

“No, we all won.”

“Who lost then?”

“The public.”

“But they voted, they called the shots.”

“Not from the heart. They choose with at least 2 layers of hyprocrisy.’

“So, who won?”

“The system.”

“And Jeremy Vine’s hologram.”

“It’s a sad, sad, sad, sad, world.”

“Cheer up you miserable twat.”

“Sorry, thought I had to tell the truth for a second.”

“Seconds to go.”

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

AMERICA’S (INTER)NATIONAL ANTHEM (APOLOGIES TO BOB DYLAN)

Isis, oh Isis, you misguided child

What drives you to murder is what drives us insane

How can we talk peace with the way that you lied

So we’ll keep dropping drones just like drizzling rain

FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD – THE SEQUEL

If ever proof was needed that literature would exist without mankind, this, good people, is it.

SIR MARTIN MCGUINNESS OBE

ERII: “Scissors.”

McGuinness: “Stone”

ERII: “Bahh, you win…best of three?”

McGuinness: “Stone”

ERII: “Paper”

McGuinness: “Nice call Your Majesty.”

ERII: “The decider.”

McGuinness: “The decider.”

McGuinness: “Potato…”

ERII: “…Gun?”

McGuinness laughs, Liz guffaws.

ERII: “Fancy an arm wrestle?”

“I AM BRITAIN’S FIRST SUSPENSIONER” (# 74,879)

“Retirement lied to me.

I paid my national insurance stamp for 50 years, worked myself to the bone I did.

For this.

A pension that never came when they said it would.

And might never come at all.

I’m 72 and can’t go on welding at my age.

I’m being punished just because I’m fit for an old boy.

I may be healthy but I’m broke.

I need help from the state.

I need and want my pension.

Give us a break, will you.”

As overheard in most homes a few years from now, and sadly not used as evidence in the strikes today, 10-5-12

“DON’T GO THERE” SHE SAID

“I never want to speak to you again” he replied.

“Marry me” she thought but couldn’t quite find the words.

MURDOCH MID-SUMMER PANTO

“Today is the most humble day of my life,” said God.

Clown enters stage left with humble foam pie.

God didn’t know it was coming, then again he didn’t know much that day or at least pretended he didn’t.

“No.” Said God when asked if he was in charge of the fiasco and why he didn’t take responsibility. “But I can fix it.”

At that point, in walked Bob the Builder, one of God’s 52,000 minions.

The son of God meanwhile was still on the first question although people had stopped listening.

The media then spun out the story into a contemporary odyssey.

Tune in tomorrow for another heart-numbing episode.

MOTH IN A DARK ROOM TYPES THIS MESSAGE (# 74,899)

I can’t recall the film, but it went something like this.

Moth 1: Stay away from the light.

Moth 2: I can’t help it, it’s so beaudiful.

Moth 2 is electrocuted.

Moth 1 leaves the world of movies and ends up here tonight, at midnight exactly, in an oak barn deep in the backwaters of Devon. My screen isn’t the florescent death-wish that accounted for his friend, but it’s the same instinct – the one light in a dark room. Now he’s gone, off to sleep and he’s taking this screen with him, a comfort blanket that gives a new feeling to the word ‘comfort’.

MISGUIDED QUOTE OF ALL TIME

“Osama Bin Laden plied all the demonstrators with drugs and alcohol.”

Muammar al-Gaddafi

Bin Laden thinks to himself: compliments are lovely.

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