“DON’T GO THERE” SHE SAID
“I never want to speak to you again” he replied.
“Marry me” she thought but couldn’t quite find the words.
MURDOCH MID-SUMMER PANTO
“Today is the most humble day of my life,” said God.
Clown enters stage left with humble foam pie.
God didn’t know it was coming, then again he didn’t know much that day or at least pretended he didn’t.
“No.” Said God when asked if he was in charge of the fiasco and why he didn’t take responsibility. “But I can fix it.”
At that point, in walked Bob the Builder, one of God’s 52,000 minions.
The son of God meanwhile was still on the first question although people had stopped listening.
The media then spun out the story into a contemporary odyssey.
Tune in tomorrow for another heart-numbing episode.
MOTH IN A DARK ROOM TYPES THIS MESSAGE (# 74,899)
I can’t recall the film, but it went something like this.
Moth 1: Stay away from the light.
Moth 2: I can’t help it, it’s so beaudiful.
Moth 2 is electrocuted.
Moth 1 leaves the world of movies and ends up here tonight, at midnight exactly, in an oak barn deep in the backwaters of Devon. My screen isn’t the florescent death-wish that accounted for his friend, but it’s the same instinct – the one light in a dark room. Now he’s gone, off to sleep and he’s taking this screen with him, a comfort blanket that gives a new feeling to the word ‘comfort’.
MISGUIDED QUOTE OF ALL TIME
“Osama Bin Laden plied all the demonstrators with drugs and alcohol.”
Muammar al-Gaddafi
Bin Laden thinks to himself: compliments are lovely.
DEAR BLEAK + COOL
What’s so wrong with up and warm?
BABYLON TEETH
I found this scribbled in my notebook the other day but i have no idea where it came from. If you’re from the area or the era, please fill me in.
“If you go to Babylon and kiss someone there,
just count your teeth afterwards”
THE CLOUDS WHO WANTED TO BE WAVES
I can’t swim.
I can’t fly.
Together we skim.
CAMERON JNR
Sam: I’m not really pregnant y’know.
Miriam: You are y’know.
Sam: No, really I’m not. I faked it for the election and now we’re in number 10, I can take the cushion out.
Miriam: Sammy, it’s not a cushion. It’s Nick’s.
Sam: You’re kidding, it can’t be. What would David say?
Miriam: He’s in on it. It’s a coalition baby.
Sam: Ohh, that’s so romantic. I’m going to call it Mizzy, after you.
Miriam: Why not Dizzy, after Dave…and me?
Sam: And Mr Rascal.
CHEAP + FAST + GOOD
Cheap: I’m up for it.
Fast: Me too.
Good: And me.
Fast: Too late, at best, only two of us can be in the room together.
Good: Well, leave then.
Cheap: Maybe I should go, I’m the most dispensible.
Fast: No, you stay, I’ll leave. People should be patient, not rich.
Good: No no, I’ll go. Last in, first out.
In walks compromise and conducts a menage a trois.
They sire triplets.
They all lived a priceless, endless and peerless life.
PLASTIC SURGERY ON WORDS (# 74,940)
This morning a 5 year old said to me: ‘Dad, eat quick-er-est-ily’. I loved the way she slowed the word up by making it longer. Inspired by her, I opened a plastic surgery clinic for words that are unhappy with their appearance. None came forward. This could have been due to their lack of hearing or my lack of advertising. I was about to abort the whole exercise when there was a sudden knock at the door.
‘Come in’, I said.
‘Hi’, Hi said.
‘Hello Hi, so…you feel a little abrupt, yeah?’ I said.
‘I do’, Hi said.
‘People think you’re shallow, yeah?’ I said.
‘They do’ Hi said.
‘You’d like a extra syllable and you’d like me to make you do what you don’t want to do, yeah?’ I said.
‘Badbye’ Hi said, and left with the face of a serial killer.