DEAR ELECTORATE

“So, nobody won.’

“No, we all won.”

“Who lost then?”

“The public.”

“But they voted, they called the shots.”

“Not from the heart. They choose with at least 2 layers of hyprocrisy.’

“So, who won?”

“The system.”

“And Jeremy Vine’s hologram.”

“It’s a sad, sad, sad, sad, world.”

“Cheer up you miserable twat.”

“Sorry, thought I had to tell the truth for a second.”

“Seconds to go.”

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

AMERICA’S (INTER)NATIONAL ANTHEM (APOLOGIES TO BOB DYLAN)

Isis, oh Isis, you misguided child

What drives you to murder is what drives us insane

How can we talk peace with the way that you lied

So we’ll keep dropping drones just like drizzling rain

FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD – THE SEQUEL

If ever proof was needed that literature would exist without mankind, this, good people, is it.

SIR MARTIN MCGUINNESS OBE

ERII: “Scissors.”

McGuinness: “Stone”

ERII: “Bahh, you win…best of three?”

McGuinness: “Stone”

ERII: “Paper”

McGuinness: “Nice call Your Majesty.”

ERII: “The decider.”

McGuinness: “The decider.”

McGuinness: “Potato…”

ERII: “…Gun?”

McGuinness laughs, Liz guffaws.

ERII: “Fancy an arm wrestle?”

“I AM BRITAIN’S FIRST SUSPENSIONER” (# 74,879)

“Retirement lied to me.

I paid my national insurance stamp for 50 years, worked myself to the bone I did.

For this.

A pension that never came when they said it would.

And might never come at all.

I’m 72 and can’t go on welding at my age.

I’m being punished just because I’m fit for an old boy.

I may be healthy but I’m broke.

I need help from the state.

I need and want my pension.

Give us a break, will you.”

As overheard in most homes a few years from now, and sadly not used as evidence in the strikes today, 10-5-12

“DON’T GO THERE” SHE SAID

“I never want to speak to you again” he replied.

“Marry me” she thought but couldn’t quite find the words.

MURDOCH MID-SUMMER PANTO

“Today is the most humble day of my life,” said God.

Clown enters stage left with humble foam pie.

God didn’t know it was coming, then again he didn’t know much that day or at least pretended he didn’t.

“No.” Said God when asked if he was in charge of the fiasco and why he didn’t take responsibility. “But I can fix it.”

At that point, in walked Bob the Builder, one of God’s 52,000 minions.

The son of God meanwhile was still on the first question although people had stopped listening.

The media then spun out the story into a contemporary odyssey.

Tune in tomorrow for another heart-numbing episode.

MOTH IN A DARK ROOM TYPES THIS MESSAGE (# 74,899)

I can’t recall the film, but it went something like this.

Moth 1: Stay away from the light.

Moth 2: I can’t help it, it’s so beaudiful.

Moth 2 is electrocuted.

Moth 1 leaves the world of movies and ends up here tonight, at midnight exactly, in an oak barn deep in the backwaters of Devon. My screen isn’t the florescent death-wish that accounted for his friend, but it’s the same instinct – the one light in a dark room. Now he’s gone, off to sleep and he’s taking this screen with him, a comfort blanket that gives a new feeling to the word ‘comfort’.

MISGUIDED QUOTE OF ALL TIME

“Osama Bin Laden plied all the demonstrators with drugs and alcohol.”

Muammar al-Gaddafi

Bin Laden thinks to himself: compliments are lovely.

DEAR BLEAK + COOL

What’s so wrong with up and warm?

Next Page →