STRICTLY BETWEEN YOU & ME
His life’s work:
to tell each of his fellow 9 billion human beings,
the same secret,
which,
if passed on,
would result in their death.
EYES OF A SAVIOUR
On every platform, at either end, hundreds of feet below the streets, he took a photograph on his phone of the oncoming train and the glare in the driver’s face. Years later his work would exonerate the key figure in the world’s worst ever transport disaster and so change the human rights of passengers for evermore.
FOR 1984, READ 2010
He was the first to march. His placard read: I AM A POLICY. Within a week of his debut protest, he was 154 strong. They called themselves THE PERSONs. The press called them The Breakthrough. They denounced the riots in Trafalgar Square and came to calm them after the riot police failed. Within a year, one ninth of Britain had joined THE PERSONs. Before the incumbents had served their term, they resigned. From that day forth, the nation became the world’s first wholly co-operative government with citizen rule. As political parties gave way to self-parliament, the class system collapsed and tax became fair for all. With nothing to rail against, the country was renamed New Switzerland and slowly depopulated, until the last man standing, a Mr Eric Blair, finally past away, a bachelor.
THE DEAD CAT PROPHET
He hacked away the thorns to get into the stable. Before him lay three furry animal stools, not the kind you sit on. He dispensed with them over/into the hedge. Between the straw bales he saw what he thought was underlay. Underlay with a tail. Then the stench hit him. It, whatever it was, had died months ago but still had its fur. He forked away with enough hamfistedness to give a forensics a heart attack. As it freed itself from the ivy, he guessed upon a cat. The cat was flung to the hedge where its old furry turds now lived.
The next day his neighbour fought tooth, nail and pipette to save the runt kitten of a litter of three.
The Same Ending.
QUOTA OF DAILY WORDS (# 74,938)
The days he spoke to nobody were the days he wrote his socks off. In his world, there was only so much space. Writing and speaking vied to be read and heard. One would ebb as the other flowed.
This correlation only struck him when his twin sister walked into his life. She liked to talk. She’d emit a daily average of 19,000 words a day irrespective of the company she kept. If you counted the time she spoke to herself, she’d top 30,000 words on a garrulous day.
They communicated with each other by way of a time delay. She rang him. He refused to answer. She left messages. He wrote back. She read the words out loud. This delicate life cycle of speech produced a cult career as co-creators of the Mime Screenplay Renaissance.
THE LAST EVER LEGAL DOSE OF METHADRONE
On their first date, they shook hands on euthanasia. Sixty seven years later they put it into action. The grandchildren helped. So did the methadrone. They entered heaven on such a high, they missed the gates.
AROUND THE WORLD BY NIPPLE
She set off to walk around the world. A month into her journey, she met a man. They made love. On she walked unaware of her pregnancy. As the ninth month drew to a close, she knelt down and that night gave birth to her one and only child. On she walked with her new born daughter, Budd, named after the bare footed runner from South Africa, where by chance, she was born. She fashioned a sling from an shawl, where Budd slept and saw the world pass by.
Two breast fed years later, they’d encircled the globe. Once the fame died down, they settled in Bexhill and ran a Krispy Kreme doughnut cafe. Like her namesake, Budd never took to shoes. Sadly, she never took to running either.
But in the education arena, her name will forever be linked to the abolition of examinations.
CINDERELLA, MEET PUMPKIN
This is a 3 minute tale of a girl who whinged about hard work. She grew up in an age of entitlement and assumed all things were free. She downloaded a prince online and went to meet him in a Hummer, the showy cow. He had a small penis but took pills to make it appear more regal. They were just about to get it on when Bonnie Tyler appeared in rags and mashed a pumpkin over her head. The incident proved fatal. The world lived happily ever after.
COURTESY COMBUSTION
He knew the value of manners and what they maketh, but he also knew they can overspilleth. In such a case, he asked the person who asked him if his meal was ‘going ok’ to fucketh offeth.
The waiter resigned and they ran away together to run an ashram in North West Derbyshire.
THE ALARM NO-ONE SET
Every morning between the ages of 60 & 70, she woke up crying. A few days into her 70th year it stopped only to be replaced within a week by hiccups. She put the tears down to the polyester quilt. As for the hiccups, she had her own cure: to make herself cry.