SLEEP ON THIS THEN VOTE

2017-06-07-VIDEO-00000008.mp4

AMERICAN (INSERT MOVIE SURNAME HERE)

Naming a particular something is a flawed business. Take my dog. She’s called Juno. For the first year of her life, she just heard ‘NO!’ After chasing her across rivers and roads, up hills and down cliffs, she finally stopped running away and started coming back. We stole her name from the greatest ever film made about unplanned pregnancy, but got her spayed just in time, as we didn’t fancy reliving the plot.

Super-sketchily related, we caught a movie on Saturday. Andrea Arnold’s freewheeling road flick American Honey, 3 hrs of my life that has moved my death-date 3 years forwards. Thanks Andrea.

As we left the Newlyn Filmhouse, a tiny cult cinema in a Cornish fishing village, we laughed at the number of movies lazily named American (something). In honour of that throwaway film-talk, here are 100 films on first name-sharing terms in an order that may only make sense to a shrink.

1. AMERICAN MADNESS (1932)
2. AMERCIAN EMPIRE (1942 & 2012)
3. AMERICAN MADE (2017)
4. AMERICAN ANTHEM (1986)
5. AMERICAN HISTORY X (1998)
6. AMERICAN BLACKOUT (2006)
7. AMERICAN JUSTICE (2015)
8. AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999)
9. AMERICAN DESCENT (2014)
10. AMERICAN ADDICT (2012)

11. AMERICAN BURGER (2014)
12. AMERICAN MILKSHAKE (2013)
13. AMERICAN RASPBERRY (1977)
14. AMERICAN PIE 1 & 2 (1999 & 2001)
15. AMERICAN HONEY (2016)
16. AMERICAN BEER (1996 & 2004)

17. AMERICAN MANNERS (1924)
18. AMERICAN BRED (2016)

19. AMERICAN ME (1992)

20. AMERICAN BOY (1978)
21. AMERICAN SON (2008)
22. AMERICAN DAD (2013)
23. AMERCIAN GIRL (2002)
24. AMERCIAN GIRLS (2013)
25. AMERCIAN COUSINS (2003)
26. AMERICAN FRIENDS (1991)
27. AMERICAN SWEETHEARTS (2001)
28. AMERICAN BOYFRIENDS (1989)
29. AMERICAN VIRGIN (2009)
30. AMERICAN REUNION (2012)
31. AMERICAN ROMANCE (2016)
32. AMERICAN WEDDING (2003)
33. AMERICAN GIGOLO (1980)
34. AMERICAN SWING (2008)
35. AMERICAN CRUDE (2008)
36. AMERICAN PIMP (1999)
37. AMERICAN MUSCLE (2014)
38. AMERICAN HARDCORE (2006)

39. AMERICAN HERO (2015)
40. AMERICAN LOSER (2007)
41. AMERICAN IDIOTS (2013)

42. AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (1983)
43. AMERICAN DREAM (2002)
44. AMERICAN DREAMZ (2006)
45. AMERICAN DREAMER (1984)
46. AMERICAN PROMISE (2013)

47. AMERICAN PASTORAL (2016)
48. AMERICAN WINTER (2013)
49. AMERICAN INTERIOR (2014)
50. AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)
51. AMERICAN BLEND (2006)
52. AMERICAN STYLE (2008)
53. AMERICAN SPLENDOUR (2003)
54. AMERICAN MOVIE (1999)
55. AMERICAN DRIVE-IN (1985)
56. AMERICAN DRIVER (2016)
57. AMERICAN JOYRIDE (2011)
58. AMERICAN HUSTLE (2013)
59. AMERICAN NUDIST (2011)
60. AMERICAN TABOO (1984)
61. AMERICAN ROULETTE (1988)

62. AMERICAN SOLDIERS (2005)
63. AMERICAN SNIPER (2014)
64. AMERICAN ULTRA (2015)
65. AMERICAN HOSTAGE (2015)
66. AMERICAN HEIST (2014)
67. AMERICAN WEAPON (2014)
68. AMERICAN GUN (2002, 2005 & 2011)
69. AMERICAN VIOLENCE (2015)
70. AMERICAN ANARCHIST (2016)
71. AMERICAN ASSASSIN (2007)
72. AMERICAN OUTLAWS (2001)
73. AMERICAN GANGSTER (2007)
74. AMERICAN BRAWLER (2013 & 2016)
75. AMERICAN MOBSTER (2010)

76. AMERICAN STRAYS (1996)
77. AMERICAN MANIACS (2012)
78. AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)
79. AMERICAN CANNIBAL (2006)
80. AMERICAN SATAN (2016)
81. AMERICAN ZOMBIE (2007)
82. AMERICAN POLTERGEIST (2015)

83. AMERICAN NINJA 1-5 (1985-93)
84. AMERICAN SAMURAI (1992)
85. AMERICAN SHAOLIN (1991)
86. AMERICAN KICKBOXER 1 & 2 (1991 & 93)
87. AMERICAN STREETFIGHTER (1992)
88. AMERICAN JUDOKA (2009)
89. AMERICAN YAKUZA (1993)
90. AMERICAN CYBORG (1993)

91. AMERICAN ANIMAL (2011)
92. AMERICAN BUFFALO (1996)
93. AMERICAN TIGERS (1996)
94. AMERICAN EAGLE (1989)

95. AMERICAN VISA (2005)
96. AMERICAN SHARIA (2015)
97. AMERICAN DESI (2001)
98. AMERICAN TEACHER (2011)
99. AMERICAN INTELLECTUALS (1999)

100. AMERICAN TRANSLATION (2011)

5 WAYS FOR THE UK TO REGAIN WORLD CREDIBILTY

  1. ADMIT WE’RE WRONG. “Dear EU, we’re sorry. We screwed up and walked out on you and the family. That act of extreme selfishness does none of us any good. It’s not as though we’ve jumped into bed with America or China. Call it naive, call it a mid-lifer, call it harm en masse – we will do all we can legally, morally, intellectually and collectively to assuage the pain we’ve caused you and our European neighbours. So, it is with our lion’s tail between our legs that we ask for forgiveness and once we’ve sorted out our domesticities, we’d love to remain your ally and partner in life, if of course you’ll have us back.”
  2. BE GENEROUS. Give Africa £350m a day for at least a month to show it’s not about the money, money, money…cue Jesse J.
  3. ELECT A B.A.M.E. PM. If we want to prove that the vote was a vote against ‘unelected bureaucracy’ and not a shameful unveiling of suppressed racism, we need to make a statement of intent and make it quick. There are 42 minority-ethinc MPs. Pass a Rooney Rule in politics that guarantees a B.A.M.E. candidate on every political shortlist. No wait, here’s a quicker idea. Assuming Hilary Clinton gets the gig and the US don’t out-dumb us in November and vote in a blond bovine called Donald, we must create history and invite the greatest global statesman of our time to cross the Atlantic and lead our confused country. Prime Minister Obama, on behalf of us all, would you please do the honours and reunited our kingdom?
  4. TAKE IN 100,000 MOST NEEDY REFUGEES. A few facts first. There are 126,000 refugees in the UK, 0.19% of our population. Almost half the world’s refugees are fleeing Syria, 4.2m and rising. If we welcomed 100,000, that’s less than a quarter of Germany’s compassion but it’s still 3 times the amount we considered last year. It’s not the least we can do (that’s where we are right now) but it is a start.
  5. BOOT OUT 1000 MOST GREEDY TAX EVADERS. A few more facts. The ‘tax gap’ in Britain is a paltry £34bn. Yes, 34bn. That’s nine noughts if you’re counting, and not fainting. This is what the HMRC is owed but doesn’t get. It has around 700 people chasing the richest evaders in vain, while it assigns 3600 tax heavies to put the squeeze on benefit fraudsters. For every quid the dad on benefits diddles just to try and feed his family, the evader screws the country 3 times over. Surely, if we evict the rich who won’t pay their pay, everyone who deserves to win, does win.

TO EU OR NOT TO EU

That isn’t the question.

The question is simple: what are we?

The answer is human beings. We are a social species. It’s in our make-up to share. Since day dot, we’ve shared things, from a animal carcass in a cave to our brightest hopes for the future. This process of exchanging, giving and receiving, is what makes us tick as human beings – it’s what drives us forward. It is the human spirit.

Somewhere along the line, this innate desire to share our food, stories and knowledge of breakthroughs and fuck-ups grew to such a size and scale that man created money. Money distorted our ability to share into ‘shares’, ownership, greed, and the rest is history, no doubt written with bias by the victor wearing a medal.

Oh boy, Britain likes to talk about the past. We are Olympic Champions at Reminiscence. Our imperial roots run deep and explain why we’re often seen as arrogant or miserable or funny by our friends overseas. Yes, we have our moments where we remind the world how we can also be astonishingly humble, optimistic and funny (we must always be funny, it’s also part of the human DNA). Take Tim Peake only this week. ‘I love that smell of Earth. Could do with a beer and pizza.’ Profound + open + funny = human.

In 48 hrs we’ll know if we all said stay, go or don’t know. If you still don’t know, don’t panic. Don’t try and decipher the facts – they’re all fictional guesses about the future, a subject that sustains the meaning of life itself.

Just stare in the mirror.

Ask yourself what you are.

A giver or a taker.

One who quits or perseveres.

A believer in bridges or walls.

Make up your own words, or just ask your gut – it’s where the enteric nervous system lives…our 2nd brain…and it can’t lie.

That’s the truth.

DEAR CORBYN

The stage is set for you to steal the moment. Never before has a public felt so polluted, insulted and disorientated. Both sides of the EU Referendum push us aside like a dog trying to remove the last traces of excrement from its arse as it walks away from us despite our calls to ‘heel’. This is the most inhumane of campaigns. They treat statistics the way foxes treat chickens.

Jeremy, arise. Take a stance that we can all ‘get’. A stance that elevates the integrity and intelligence of the common man and woman. We implore you to speak for us, not to us or at us. You are one of us in that you’re not out to dupe anyone. You don’t seek to be liked. You know what this referendum needs. Honesty. Dignity. Humility. Clarity.

We give you a week. By next Sunday, please turn 3 months of backstabbing unintentional self-harm into a salient argument for and against. Out-balance the BBC and John Pienaar. It’s yours for the taking. Don’t shy away. Don’t back down. Deliver us from evil. For better, for wiser.

The People of Britain.

APATHETIC BRITAIN

Apathy in the UK.

It’s worth £1trillion a year.

That’s a fat half of the GDP of this lazy-as-fuck country. Yes, that’s you, me, and the next can’t-be-arsed person in line. A line that’s going nowhere. A line that sits still because everyone in it is too busy, too idle, too thick or too rich to ‘switch’ one of 20 or so contracts we all have with capitalistic mute behemoths.

I’d like to think I’m too busy or too idle but I may just as well be too thick and too rich.

Energy companies, phone companies, insurance companies, technology companies, they all prey on our sloth-like behaviour.

Even the supermarkets are it with weekly deliveries of food we won’t get around to eating.

It’s not just nice to have in. It’s mugging by stealth. They make more than enough profit.

While we’re busy flatlining in front of Gogglebox, they’re conniving and contriving more devious ways to ‘do nothing’ and keep us on the tariff that gets laughed at when you finally get round to realising you’re the only person on it left in Britain.

So, what do we do?

Start a petition to force through a law that makes multi-nationals assess your usage every month and offer you the cheaper tariff/contract that you really need and bloody well deserve.

That sounds reasonable. Fair. Honest. Open. Empathetic. Maybe even generous.

These are the companies who will win us over in the long run. The ones who know we’re lazy and look out for us just because they’re grateful as hell to have our business.

Then again, starting a petition sounds like a lot of work.

Don’t suppose you’d…

EQUALITY CHALLENGE HOSTED BY JENNIFER PAXMAN

It’s all very boysy isn’t it?

On average, each episode of this long-running never-changing quiz features (if we’re lucky) one woman.

And 7 men.

8 if you count Mr Paxman.

Why?

Females outnumber males by 10% at universities across Britain. Girls are a third more likely to start a degree than boys, and the ratio gallops by the time they graduate. Some institutions stray damn close to single sex. And the numbers are rising.

So where are the women when it comes to University Challenge?

If this was the BBC there would be an outcry. Hang on, it is. So why isn’t there one? C’mon Auntie Beeb, redress the balance before we start to call you Uncle.

I’ve got an idea: let’s introduce the gender equivalent of the Rooney Rule. If football can own up and open up then so can you.

And while we’re there, here’s another thought. How about Emily Maitlis or Victoria Derbyshire stepping in for Jeremy Paxman as they did to spice up Newsnight? At the least, he could do a Grayson Perry now and again to even up the numbers.  Or, if you’re reading Tony Hall, and you truly want to show how neutral this noble organisation is, how about a transgender host?

Then again, it’s about brains, not bodies.

DISMALAND 786-0 DECLARED, DISNEYLAND 3 ALL OUT

Have you been yet?

If not, go.

If you can’t get a ticket, break in.

If you can’t break in, drop a tab and gatecrash any seaside Britain in Bloom finalist.

Welcome to Dismaland.

With all that’s wrong with the world right now, this is a meteorite in the aorta. It’s meant to be sad, bleak, dystopic but it’s funny, fun and fluffy. It even cheered the weather up. At a push, I’d say it could conquer peace in the most troubled corners of earth and re-wire man’s relationship with the planet if it stayed up another month or two.

Coolsters will slag it off. Gallerists will go back to their white boxes and start accountancy exams. School-kids will skive tomorrow and that act of truancy will make them more interesting adults. The people in it will occupy the beaten up lido when it ends and start an off-shore principality that Osborne will be invited to open in Spring 2016.

It’s everything Danny Boyle wanted to do in the Olympic ceremony but couldn’t. It’s its bastard twin, the one that love forgot. Yet within this hard heart pumps a blood that is so much more alive than anything you’ve sucked before.

One more tip: if you need glasses, don’t wear them. The fussy edges will only make it more fucking beautiful.

Whatever you think of Banksy, you have to take doff your spray can and say he’s played a blinder here.

21 NEW LUCKY OMENS (AS CERTIFIED BY UNESCO)

On behalf of the human race, we would like to thank UNECSO for idenitifying, authenticating and blessing the following omens of good fortune.

  1. Pebble with a hole in it
  2. Butterfly on a cowpat
  3. Bird cracking open a snail
  4. Slug stuck to your wing mirror at 30mph+
  5. Hat at a stile
  6. 3 or more crickets in song (note: 2 is a curse, so train those ears)
  7. Signs with spelling mistakes
  8. Coke can squashed flat to the diameter of its lid
  9. 5 grey cars on the trot
  10. Raindrops dancing on a spider’s web
  11. Cockeyed thistle blossom (ie: min 35 degrees off vertical)
  12. An oscillating leaf
  13. Flight of steps that amount to a double digit prime number
  14. Bench dedicated to a dog
  15. Pentagonal manhole cover
  16. One stray shoe
  17. One stray sock (40% less lucky than a shoe)
  18. A cuttlefish inland
  19. Any animal flossing
  20. Rainblurb – a rainbow that can’t quite come into full focus
  21. Rabbit on a gravestone

A.M. HOSTS BANNED AUDIO ART EVENING

Lennart and Adam, thank you for hosting.

Tim, thank you for performing.

Sonja, thank you for directing and recording your performing.

Will, thank you for commenting.

Jonny, Kyoko, Paul & Davy, thank you for coming.

Hedda, thank you for babbling.

Jamie, thank you for mixing.

Neighbours, thank you for complaining and muting Hedda.

And Kim, thank you most of all for curating – my love goes out to you.

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