2012 CANCELLED
History is about to hiccup.
Due to times being the way they are, 2012 will be cancelled in its first week of office and we shall commence 2013 on Wednesday.
We apologise unreservedly to London for the postponement of the Olympics until 2013 but at least the logo can be made to fit its new year.
We also express our deepest condolences to The Queen who had hoped to commemorate her Diamond Jubilee in early June, but it at least allows her to step aside gracefully and retire to the distant commonwealth with dignity.
We can reassure everyone who had planned year specific events that there will be a double leap day in 2013 as a catch-up weekender for all those who missed out.
This public information post was sponsored by the Dept of Optimistic Austerity Measures (DOAM)
SHORT ON SPACE (# 74,883)
They never gave him much room to write, so he chose his words with care.
There was no rush, no panic, only patience.
Wait, wait for the swell to build, and the 7 word sentence to crash in on you, the reader.
Just before you hold your breath forever
SSSTHWEET DREAMS
She dreamt with a lisp.
It began as an imperceptible whistle barely heard by a dog and ended up as a swarm of bees penned in by a bushfire.
As they fried, she cried, but never once woke.
SUPERYULE BEAR ON BIKE ON BOX
WHISTLEBLOWERS FORM ORCHESTRA
Onto the plinth stepped Julian Assange, played by Gareth Malone.
He cued up his truthsayers and million by million, they told their tales to millions more.
It triggered a mass movement of grassing up, across every industry imaginable – from Patients First declaring war upon their GP’s (as of today, 30-12-11) to Adultery Amnesty, the beginning of the 3D marriage.
Never again would or could a lie be told.
Anyone found fibbing or concealing the truth would be held captive in the European equivalent of Guantanamo Bay, based on Lundy.
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS REST IN PEACE
The Contrarian will miss you and your vision.
x
GARY WILL BE A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLER (# 74,884)
You can’t help the line of work you end up in.
But you can blame your given name.
Let’s take Gary.
There’s Lineker, Pallister, Neville, McCallister, Mabbutt, Cahill, Birtles and Speed – God Rest His Soul.
If you name your son Gary, there is a probability of 1 in 6 that he will play football for a living and a further chance of 1 in 2 that he will go on to represent his country.
Richards become artists, as Misters Dadd, Long, Prince, Hamilton, Wentworth, Serra, Phillips, Avedon, Artshwager, Wright and many others whose surname escapes me right now, can testify.
Call your daughter Margaret and she’ll do well not to become an author. Atwood, Drabble, Forster, Mitchell, Walker, Bourke-White had no choice but to write.
If, in a moment of blind or drunk hysteria, you chose the name Danni for your girl, she’s a dead cert for page 3 which will make her dad truly proud.
WHAT’S YOUR COUNTRY’S CREDIT RATING AS OF TODAY?
Today there were whispers of France and Germany losing their AAA credit rating. If they do, they’ll be downgraded to AA+ or even AA. This pattern looks like a cross between a battery buying coding system and the latest best ever GCSE results. Tunisia and Ireland with BB- must try harder. With the world’s only CC status Greece might as well turn around and give us all the finger.
When you wake up tomorrow, do your nation a favour, ignore the scaremongers and believe the world will improve. As we all know from school, the more we’re told we’re crap, the more crap we become.
FAME CAPPING
She fought her case and won. A minor settlement but it changed legislation for ever. From that day on, no one person could accrue celebrity status beyond reasonable notoriety. Katie Price was one of the first to suffer with her fame and power eroded overnight by 91%.
Before the decade was out, the newly formed Anonymous Party won its first seat in the House of Lords.
STAGE DOOR CIGGIES
Due to the new open air smoking ban, the following central London theatres have been graded according to their cast of smokers grabbing a few quick drags between acts and performances.
Theatre Tar Rating Lighting mechanism of choice
Royal Haymarket Low Bic lighter
Wyndhams High Swan Vestas
Young Vic Ultra low England Glory
Vaudeville Medium Zippo
New London High Matchbook from unknown cafe
Lyric Low-medium Bryant & May