DAVID FROST & ALAN DAVIES
Close your eyes and listen.
Only sight can tell them apart.
TERRY V SUAREZ IN ABUSE-OFF FOR CHARITY
It’s clocked up approximately twelve times the amount of coverage it had ever hoped for in its wildest nightmares. And still it remains mostly unsaid. The fear of saying the wrong thing and the threat of libel/slander that comes with it is what restricts this debate to its pedestrian pace and linear path.
Irrespective of the outcome of the Terry/Ferdinand case, the truth is it needs some absurdity thrown into the ring to free up the conservative tension.
Something as absurd as a new form of community service that does some good.
Something like this:
- An anything goes abuse-off in aid of charity (I’m thinking a 50:50 split between Amnesty for freedom of speech and Runnymeade Trust for racial equality)
- Every footballer gives a 1% donation of their week’s salary, agents give 2%, FIFA coughs up a token million as comeuppance for Sepp Blatter
- Sky/News International cover it and give over the broadcast rights and advertising revenue to aforesaid charities
- Any other substance/validity/absurdity you’d like to add yourself and pass it on
“DON’T GO THERE” SHE SAID
“I never want to speak to you again” he replied.
“Marry me” she thought but couldn’t quite find the words.
THE CLAPATHONIST
She led a frugal life, choosing to fidget rather than heat her home. Then she fell and broke her leg. Surely her habits would change and she’d be forced into heating her home, but no. Instead, she began to clap. She’d never clapped beyond 20 seconds before, so she started softly, almost in silence. Over time, the noise grew in sync with the kinetic energy. Her thermostat rose as did the room temperature, slowly, slowly. Seven months on, with hands calloused in a warm home, she stopped just shy of Spring.
2012 CANCELLED
History is about to hiccup.
Due to times being the way they are, 2012 will be cancelled in its first week of office and we shall commence 2013 on Wednesday.
We apologise unreservedly to London for the postponement of the Olympics until 2013 but at least the logo can be made to fit its new year.
We also express our deepest condolences to The Queen who had hoped to commemorate her Diamond Jubilee in early June, but it at least allows her to step aside gracefully and retire to the distant commonwealth with dignity.
We can reassure everyone who had planned year specific events that there will be a double leap day in 2013 as a catch-up weekender for all those who missed out.
This public information post was sponsored by the Dept of Optimistic Austerity Measures (DOAM)
SHORT ON SPACE (# 74,883)
They never gave him much room to write, so he chose his words with care.
There was no rush, no panic, only patience.
Wait, wait for the swell to build, and the 7 word sentence to crash in on you, the reader.
Just before you hold your breath forever
SSSTHWEET DREAMS
She dreamt with a lisp.
It began as an imperceptible whistle barely heard by a dog and ended up as a swarm of bees penned in by a bushfire.
As they fried, she cried, but never once woke.
SUPERYULE BEAR ON BIKE ON BOX
WHISTLEBLOWERS FORM ORCHESTRA
Onto the plinth stepped Julian Assange, played by Gareth Malone.
He cued up his truthsayers and million by million, they told their tales to millions more.
It triggered a mass movement of grassing up, across every industry imaginable – from Patients First declaring war upon their GP’s (as of today, 30-12-11) to Adultery Amnesty, the beginning of the 3D marriage.
Never again would or could a lie be told.
Anyone found fibbing or concealing the truth would be held captive in the European equivalent of Guantanamo Bay, based on Lundy.
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS REST IN PEACE
The Contrarian will miss you and your vision.
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